Why have you left us, good doctor?

Dear Doctor BS,

I notice you haven't posted any of your excellent advice in a long time. What gives?

WB

Dear WB,

The good doctor has been taking the salubrious waters of warmer climes. It is hard, as an American, to take time off and go on vacation, but it's crucial.

I suspect, from the tone of your letter, that you are in dire need of a vacation yourself. Might I suggest Costa Rica? Good food, good people, good weather. And they have monkeys.

I would venture to say that one way in which my home country consistantly disappoints me is in its distinct lack of wild monkeys. Now some people will tell me that it's the climate, monkeys just don't live wild here. To that I say balderdash! Hornswaggle! Fooferah!

Monkeys are just squirrels with more human looking faces. If squirrels can live here, and we can live here, then monkeys should damn well be able to live here too.

In this election year, every American has a duty to let their voice be heard, let our leaders know what issues are closest to our hearts. My issue, dear readers, and dear politicos, is the issue of wild monkeys in America.

I tell you today, the candidate who can put forth the best pro-monkey platform will get my vote. You have my word on it as a doctor.

Doctor BS

I think I might be indecisive

Dear Doctor BS,

My friends say I'm indecisive. One friend in particular says it really annoys him. I don't feel like I'm indecisive, I just want to be sure I have all the information so I can make the best choice. I like to weigh the pros and cons before I make a decision. My friend says he doesn't want to go to lunch with me any more because it takes me too long to pick a restaurant, and then our lunch break is over. I tell him that he should pick then, but he doesn't like that answer either. What can I do to let my friends know that I'm not being indecisive, I just don't want to make a bad choice?

CV

Dear CV,

Your friends are right. You are indecisive. It's because you're afraid of not being perfect. Time to let go of that one, honey, because nobody is perfect except Doctor BS.

Here's a method for better decision making:

1. Is it a big choice or a little choice? Big choices include who to marry, whether to have children, and whether to get behind the wheel after a night of tequila shooters. Big choices have a big effect on the rest of your life. Feel free to weigh the pros and cons.

2. If it's a little choice, for example where to go for lunch, pick two of the more appealing options and flip a coin. It's that simple. Keep the little choices fast and painless by always carrying a good flipping coin. If you're superstitious, get a nice fancy flipping coin and tell yourself it's lucky. Trust me, for the little choices in life, it's not going to steer you wrong.

Doctor BS

I need a new hobby

Dear Doctor BS,

I need a new hobby. I've been a stamp collector ever since I was a child, but a month ago my house burned down in the wildfires, and my stamp collection was destroyed. I spent years of my life and a whole lot of money on that collection, and now it's all gone. I can't see myself ever amassing a collection to match the one that was lost, and I don't have the heart to try. I need to do something in my spare time, preferably something cheap. But what could compete with the excitement of philately?

BN

Dear BN,

Have you considered a normal hobby? Like tennis, or drinking, or sex? And being such a giant nerd, have you tried sex at all? I think you'd find that the excitement of sex is at least as good as the excitement of finding a tiny piece of paper with some printing on it.

Your new hobby should be trying to get laid. Start by putting ads on craigslist. If you're good-looking, include your picture. If not, consider trying to make yourself better looking. And for goodness sake join a gym and start working out. You'll need the stamina once your new hobby gets off the ground.

Doctor BS

What kind of business should I start?

Dear Doctor BS,

I'm sick of working for The Man. I hate clocking in and clocking out on their schedule, never having any time for myself and my interests. I want to be in charge of myself for once, be my own boss. But I don't know what kind of business to start. Any ideas?

MK

Dear MK,

The fact that you don't know what kind of business to start highlights an important point: you have no skills. If you had any actual skills, you'd know what business to start, because you'd just start a business selling your skills to clients. Let me guess, you were a liberal arts major, maybe English, maybe history, maybe even philosophy. So you're full of esoteric knowledge and have an inflated opinion of yourself. Easy, you buy a coffee shop. Give it a clever, self conscious name that will attract other overeducated people just like you. Make sure there's comfortable seating and they'll gladly stay all day, especially if you offer refills. The great thing is that you'll stay all day too, because you'll have to since you won't be able to afford to hire help. After a couple years, you'll either get good at it or go broke. But don't worry, if you do go broke, there's always another sucker waiting to buy a cute little coffee shop. Good luck.

Doctor BS

My apartment is a disaster

Dear Doctor BS,

The other day my friends ambushed me with what they called an intervention. They said that if I don't start cleaning my apartment, they'll have to do something drastic. They said it's unsanitary and gross. I admit, it is a little hard to find a clean space to sit down other than my recliner in front of the TV. And I have to eat on paper plates because every single dish is dirty. And there might be a little bit of a smell in certain rooms, or maybe in every room. But I just can't motivate myself to clean it. When I'm on my way home from class, I always think to myself, This is it, today I'll clean it all up. But when I get home, I just flop down in my chair and watch TV until bed. I don't even like all the shows, but they're just on. What can I do?

DP

Dear DP,

The one thing you should not do is attempt to clean this apartment yourself. A mess of this magnitude is beyond a slacker like you. Your friends are right, it's time for drastic measures.

You have to cancel the cable TV and spend that money on maid service. That is the only way you'll ever make something of your life. If you don't do this, you might as well drop out of school right now and go live in a trailer park. So do it. Right now. I mean it.

Doctor BS

My best friend is much more talented than me

Dear Doctor BS,

Ever since we were kids, I've been friends with a perfect person. My best friend, "Angela", is good at everything she does. Everything she touches turns to gold. She's prettier than me, got better grades than me, more athletic than me, and every talent I have she's twice as talented. I can draw a little, and she wins first prize at art shows. I like to write a little, and she's getting her first novel published by a major publisher. If I run a 5k, she'll win a 10k. She's invincible! We're best friends, but sometimes I just don't think I can stand it another second. What can I do to keep this jealousy from driving us apart?

EM

Dear EM,

It's not jealousy that will drive you apart. The problem is that you're a loser and Angela is a winner. Sooner or later she's bound to recognize that fact and start to drift away. Away from you and toward other winners. In the normal course of things, there's nothing you can do about that.

You can, however, change the course of things. You just have to be willing to commit. Which, given the fact that you're a loser, is unlikely. But still, I'll tell you how. Maybe you'll surprise me and actually do it.

It's very simple but not easy. You and Angela take a drive together, you in the drivers seat. Find a nice windy road and drive as fast as you can on it. Then drive faster than you can, until you swerve off the road and flip the vehicle a few times.

The possible outcomes include: both of you dead, which makes you equal; you dead, which brings her down for the rest of her life; her dead, which leaves you as number one; both of you severely injured, which just sucks; her severely injured, which makes you number one; you severely injured, which bonds her to you for life and gives you tremendous guilt powers over her; or both of you walk away fine, which makes you the crazier one, so at least you win at something.

Like I said, it's simple but not easy. You probably won't go through with it, but if you do, send me pictures.

Doctor BS

How do I tell my friends their screenplay sucked?

Dear Doctor BS,

I recently moved to LA, and it seems like it really is true what they say. Everyone out here is writing a screenplay. A couple of friends recently gave me their latest work and asked for feedback. I put it off for a while, but finally read it over the weekend. And it was bad. Not just a little bad, but really really bad. It sucked. The only parts that worked at all were obviously almost directly copied from their favorite movies. How do I tell them what I think, when I know they're not going to like it?

GL

Dear GL,

Tell them what you think? Wow, you are new to Hollywood. There is a reason that nobody ever says no in Hollywood. There is a reason everyone is so nice but shallow, so shallowly nice.

It's because everybody is totally naked all the time. Not physically, but emotionally. It's a bunch of sensitive creative types all gathered together trying their best to birth a work of great genius, and all of them have their babies up on the auction block all the time. LA is a town that understands the old saying about people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

So what do you do? You lie. You lie through your teeth. You lie like a rug. You tell them what you love about their script (I know you can find something, you're creative too, aren't you?) and gloss over any flaws. Mention a couple of the tiniest and most fixable flaws you can find (typos and the like can be good for this) and then go back to gushing about how much you loved it. Use words like characterization and theme and leitmotif. Talk about how much you appreciate the essense of the project. If the script is as bad as you say, it'll fail on its own without your help. Meanwhile, preserve your friendships and lie.

Doctor BS