Dear Doctor BS,
Ever since we were kids, I've been friends with a perfect person. My best friend, "Angela", is good at everything she does. Everything she touches turns to gold. She's prettier than me, got better grades than me, more athletic than me, and every talent I have she's twice as talented. I can draw a little, and she wins first prize at art shows. I like to write a little, and she's getting her first novel published by a major publisher. If I run a 5k, she'll win a 10k. She's invincible! We're best friends, but sometimes I just don't think I can stand it another second. What can I do to keep this jealousy from driving us apart?
EM
Dear EM,
It's not jealousy that will drive you apart. The problem is that you're a loser and Angela is a winner. Sooner or later she's bound to recognize that fact and start to drift away. Away from you and toward other winners. In the normal course of things, there's nothing you can do about that.
You can, however, change the course of things. You just have to be willing to commit. Which, given the fact that you're a loser, is unlikely. But still, I'll tell you how. Maybe you'll surprise me and actually do it.
It's very simple but not easy. You and Angela take a drive together, you in the drivers seat. Find a nice windy road and drive as fast as you can on it. Then drive faster than you can, until you swerve off the road and flip the vehicle a few times.
The possible outcomes include: both of you dead, which makes you equal; you dead, which brings her down for the rest of her life; her dead, which leaves you as number one; both of you severely injured, which just sucks; her severely injured, which makes you number one; you severely injured, which bonds her to you for life and gives you tremendous guilt powers over her; or both of you walk away fine, which makes you the crazier one, so at least you win at something.
Like I said, it's simple but not easy. You probably won't go through with it, but if you do, send me pictures.
Doctor BS
Showing posts with label failure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label failure. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I have terrible test phobia
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm not a stupid person. I read stuff, I understand it. But I have a terrible fear of tests. Just thinking about them makes me freeze up inside. But now I have to face the most important test of my life: The SAT. I want to go to a good college and have a decent life, but I just can't take this test! What can I do?
TC
Dear TC,
There are a couple of fairly obvious solutions to your problem, and it makes me wonder if you're really all that smart if you didn't think of them yourself. But even if you're not as smart as you think you are, I never said my mission was to refuse help to the less brainy among us.
First obvious solution, you pay someone else to impersonate you and take the test for you. Sure, they make you show ID, but it's not that hard to find someone who can pass for your drivers license photo. My drivers license photo looks almost nothing like me, and yet the cops never question whether or not it's really me.
Second obvious solution, you get a little drunk before taking the test. A drink or two to loosen up and you'll be fine. Keep the flask on you in case you start to sober up midway through. It has a nice backup plan in that if you are still freaking out, you just drink more and make yourself vomit. Instant excuse.
Some people might object to these excellent pieces of advice, tell you that you need to take this test seriously. These people should be ignored and possibly reviled. Standardized tests are a farce, and everyone over the age of 30 knows it, except the ones who work for the testing companies. And probably them too, in the dark recesses of their jaded little souls, if only they could admit it to themselves.
Doctor BS
I'm not a stupid person. I read stuff, I understand it. But I have a terrible fear of tests. Just thinking about them makes me freeze up inside. But now I have to face the most important test of my life: The SAT. I want to go to a good college and have a decent life, but I just can't take this test! What can I do?
TC
Dear TC,
There are a couple of fairly obvious solutions to your problem, and it makes me wonder if you're really all that smart if you didn't think of them yourself. But even if you're not as smart as you think you are, I never said my mission was to refuse help to the less brainy among us.
First obvious solution, you pay someone else to impersonate you and take the test for you. Sure, they make you show ID, but it's not that hard to find someone who can pass for your drivers license photo. My drivers license photo looks almost nothing like me, and yet the cops never question whether or not it's really me.
Second obvious solution, you get a little drunk before taking the test. A drink or two to loosen up and you'll be fine. Keep the flask on you in case you start to sober up midway through. It has a nice backup plan in that if you are still freaking out, you just drink more and make yourself vomit. Instant excuse.
Some people might object to these excellent pieces of advice, tell you that you need to take this test seriously. These people should be ignored and possibly reviled. Standardized tests are a farce, and everyone over the age of 30 knows it, except the ones who work for the testing companies. And probably them too, in the dark recesses of their jaded little souls, if only they could admit it to themselves.
Doctor BS
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Here come the sweater pants
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm a high school senior and my parents just don't understand me. They want me to go to college for medicine or law. I think medicine is yucky and law is boring. What I really want to do with my life is become a famous fashion designer. I already make my own clothes, and I made several of my friends' prom dresses too. I'm really good! How can I make my parents accept that I have a destiny, and it's not the one they have in mind for me?
SP
Dear SP,
First off, congratulations on knowing what you want at such a young age. Most people are still trying to figure it out on the fly as they get into their 30s. Your parents sound like the kind of people who are so set in their ways that only a dramatic demonstration will shock them into accepting the truth. Ever attempted suicide? That can be a good attention getter, at least the first time. Kind of loses its sting on subsequent (failed) attempts.
There are a few obvious things to do, like dramatically flunking your SATs, writing in your admissions essays that you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, starting a brawl during a campus tour. If nothing else, those should help you not to get into pre-med or pre-law, or really into almost any college at all.
You might not even want to finish high school. Just in case. Meanwhile, you should be working on your first collection, and hold a fashion show which you'll also post on YouTube and sell your clothes on your website. Go with something bold. Like sweater pants. I mean, why limit the cozy feel of a sweater just to your upper body? The lower half would like to be swaddled in comfy, fuzzy warmth too. Bring on the sweater pants!
Doctor BS
I'm a high school senior and my parents just don't understand me. They want me to go to college for medicine or law. I think medicine is yucky and law is boring. What I really want to do with my life is become a famous fashion designer. I already make my own clothes, and I made several of my friends' prom dresses too. I'm really good! How can I make my parents accept that I have a destiny, and it's not the one they have in mind for me?
SP
Dear SP,
First off, congratulations on knowing what you want at such a young age. Most people are still trying to figure it out on the fly as they get into their 30s. Your parents sound like the kind of people who are so set in their ways that only a dramatic demonstration will shock them into accepting the truth. Ever attempted suicide? That can be a good attention getter, at least the first time. Kind of loses its sting on subsequent (failed) attempts.
There are a few obvious things to do, like dramatically flunking your SATs, writing in your admissions essays that you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, starting a brawl during a campus tour. If nothing else, those should help you not to get into pre-med or pre-law, or really into almost any college at all.
You might not even want to finish high school. Just in case. Meanwhile, you should be working on your first collection, and hold a fashion show which you'll also post on YouTube and sell your clothes on your website. Go with something bold. Like sweater pants. I mean, why limit the cozy feel of a sweater just to your upper body? The lower half would like to be swaddled in comfy, fuzzy warmth too. Bring on the sweater pants!
Doctor BS
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Confessions of a teenaged video game addict
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm in a lot of trouble. My first semester of college is almost over, and I haven't been to class in weeks. I can't study. Not when there are video games to be played. My roommate has a wii, and since the first time I tried it, I've been hooked. I'm pretty sure I'm flunking everything, and the add/drop date is past. My parents are going to freak out when they get my grades. I'll probably be kicked out of school. I know I need to quit this and buckle down, but I just can't make myself do it. What can I do?
JA
Dear JA,
Plenty of people might advise you on various ways to break the hold of an addiction. Meetings, therapy, meditation, exercise, graphs and charts and gold sticker stars. They might remind you of how hard you've worked to get where you are today. They might tell you to think before you throw it all away. They might say it's not too late for you, it's never too late. But they would be wrong.
You have passed the point of no return. You are going to fail, no way out of it. And sure, you could pull out of your current spiral and fail with a hard fought 55%. You could leverage all this guilt you're feeling, take the middle path, the golden mean.
Or you could go for the gusto, fail spectacularly. Don't just get a zero in every class, but make sure to piss off your professors in the process. Go to the final exam and sleep through it, snoring and drooling. Or make a fleet of paper airplanes out of the test papers and fly them all over the room. Or show up in a loincloth and try to make a bonfire with your books, using the final as kindling.
You're days in school are numbered, so start counting them down. Quit sleeping, order pizza for every meal, play video games until you collapse from exhaustion. If you give up and become ordinary now just because you're afraid of failure, you'll go on being ordinary the rest of your life. So go on, set a record.
Doctor BS
I'm in a lot of trouble. My first semester of college is almost over, and I haven't been to class in weeks. I can't study. Not when there are video games to be played. My roommate has a wii, and since the first time I tried it, I've been hooked. I'm pretty sure I'm flunking everything, and the add/drop date is past. My parents are going to freak out when they get my grades. I'll probably be kicked out of school. I know I need to quit this and buckle down, but I just can't make myself do it. What can I do?
JA
Dear JA,
Plenty of people might advise you on various ways to break the hold of an addiction. Meetings, therapy, meditation, exercise, graphs and charts and gold sticker stars. They might remind you of how hard you've worked to get where you are today. They might tell you to think before you throw it all away. They might say it's not too late for you, it's never too late. But they would be wrong.
You have passed the point of no return. You are going to fail, no way out of it. And sure, you could pull out of your current spiral and fail with a hard fought 55%. You could leverage all this guilt you're feeling, take the middle path, the golden mean.
Or you could go for the gusto, fail spectacularly. Don't just get a zero in every class, but make sure to piss off your professors in the process. Go to the final exam and sleep through it, snoring and drooling. Or make a fleet of paper airplanes out of the test papers and fly them all over the room. Or show up in a loincloth and try to make a bonfire with your books, using the final as kindling.
You're days in school are numbered, so start counting them down. Quit sleeping, order pizza for every meal, play video games until you collapse from exhaustion. If you give up and become ordinary now just because you're afraid of failure, you'll go on being ordinary the rest of your life. So go on, set a record.
Doctor BS
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