My wife thinks I should go on a low sodium diet

Dear Doctor BS,

I have what might be termed risk factors for heart disease. My wife wants me to go on a low sodium diet so I'll be healthier and live longer. I don't want to go on some stupid diet. She's got a doctor backing her side, so I need a doctor on my side. How about it, Doctor BS?

TL

Dear TL

You're right. Going on some stupid low sodium diet would be as much fun as having a TV but only watching public access. Sure, some of it might be surprising and almost good, but mostly it's the same bland crap over and over again. Might as well just leave the house and have a real life.

But here's what you need to tell your wife. This whole low sodium thing? It's just a fad. Most diet advice is. One week something's good for you, the next week it's bad. In reality, it'll all kill you eventually. At least if you avoid stupid diets you'll have a good time in the process.

The other important thing to note is that sodium doesn't actually exist. Really. Look at the periodic table of the elements. In the square for sodium, it says "Na". Meaning not applicable. No such thing. It's just a name they gave to fill the space so the table didn't look funny. So go ahead, eat what you want. Good taste means it's good for you.

Doctor BS

Help me get back at my brother

Dear Doctor BS,

In a few weeks it'll be Christmas, which means going home and all the weirdness that entails. I can mostly handle my family except for my older brother, "Biff". Biff is a practical joker. I grew up always on the butt end of the jokes, all the classics. Hand in warm water while sleeping, toothpaste in the shoe, super glue on the toilet seat. I have a lot of emotional scars and a few physical ones from his so-called jokes. The worst thing is, when we're all home for the holidays, suddenly Biff is 13 again and I'm 9. I don't want to kill my brother, but I want to get him back. Do you know any good practical jokes I can play to finally start getting even?

LS

Dear LS,

What you've never realized is that you already played the biggest joke of them all on Biff. Being born. You're four years apart? That means that he was used to having Mom and Dad's attention all to himself, and then one day it all goes to hell. Who's the new baby? Why does baby get so much love and attention? What about Biff? What if I don't want to be a good big brother?

I imagine that is not much consolation, however. Your birth may have shattered his emotional world as a child, but he's still on you now. That means it's time to pull out the big guns: identity theft.

Because really, what else is identity theft but a giant, hilarious, expensive, illegal practical joke? You know all the important identifying info he'd use to get credit, so use that knowledge against him. Have a ball! Fly home first class, courtesy of Biff. Stay at a 5 star hotel, courtesy of Biff. Enjoy the company of minor local celebrities in an alcohol-induced frenzy of partying and throwing money around at the local watering hole, courtesy of Biff. Hell, go for broke and try to buy a house in Biff's name.

The look on his face when he finds out may only last a moment, but bad credit lasts a lifetime. Go get em.

Doctor BS

I have terrible test phobia

Dear Doctor BS,

I'm not a stupid person. I read stuff, I understand it. But I have a terrible fear of tests. Just thinking about them makes me freeze up inside. But now I have to face the most important test of my life: The SAT. I want to go to a good college and have a decent life, but I just can't take this test! What can I do?

TC

Dear TC,

There are a couple of fairly obvious solutions to your problem, and it makes me wonder if you're really all that smart if you didn't think of them yourself. But even if you're not as smart as you think you are, I never said my mission was to refuse help to the less brainy among us.

First obvious solution, you pay someone else to impersonate you and take the test for you. Sure, they make you show ID, but it's not that hard to find someone who can pass for your drivers license photo. My drivers license photo looks almost nothing like me, and yet the cops never question whether or not it's really me.

Second obvious solution, you get a little drunk before taking the test. A drink or two to loosen up and you'll be fine. Keep the flask on you in case you start to sober up midway through. It has a nice backup plan in that if you are still freaking out, you just drink more and make yourself vomit. Instant excuse.

Some people might object to these excellent pieces of advice, tell you that you need to take this test seriously. These people should be ignored and possibly reviled. Standardized tests are a farce, and everyone over the age of 30 knows it, except the ones who work for the testing companies. And probably them too, in the dark recesses of their jaded little souls, if only they could admit it to themselves.

Doctor BS

My roommate uses my towels

Dear Doctor BS,

I have a major problem with one of my roommates. We all live in a house together and share the cooking and cleaning duties, share food, etc. But where I draw the line is sharing towels. That's just unsanitary. But twice in the last week I've gone in to take a shower and found my towel wet and rumpled instead of dry and neatly folded. My roommate says I'm just being paranoid, but I know I'm not. And besides, ew! How gross is it to use someone else's towel? And one of the times, it was after he took one of his extra long showers if you know what I mean. He still denies it, so what can I do?

MM

Dear MM,

You must be new at the roommate game. Asking him directly? Strictly for amateurs. No, you tried being direct and it got you nowhere. Time to get passive aggressive.

The first thing to do is leave little notes for him with a friendly yet subtly aggressive tone. For example, "Please remember to put your own dishes in the dishwasher. Make sure to rinse them first. If everyone helps out then we all live in a nice house." Little notes like that all over the house will convey exactly the right idea to him: you're still a nice person, but you're done putting up with his crap.

Next, you start with tiny acts of retaliation. If he has a favorite food, go ahead and eat the last of it. If he doesn't like the dog in his room, make sure to leave his bedroom door open just a crack while he's at work. Accidentally drop his toothbrush on the floor and then pick it up and put it back without cleaning all the lint off it. Little things to let him know who's boss.

Next, you install surveillance cameras. Secretly of course. Normally this has to be done in the kitchen, but in your case the bathroom is the area of concern. Watch the tapes every night to see if he used your towel that day.

Last, you cut together the best footage and sell it on ebay. Homemade shower porn could be a nice little sideline business for you. Make a little extra money, enough to buy new towels at least.

Doctor BS

Descending into shopping hell

Dear Doctor BS,

My least favorite time of the year is coming up: Christmas shopping season. The crowds, the expense, the headache. Why can't everyone just believe their friends and family care about them without having to give them a bunch of useless crap? And do I really have to shop on the day after Thanksgiving?

PP

Dear PP,

One thing is clear from your letter, and that is that you are a racist. Not wanting to shop on "Black Friday"? Are you afraid you'll run into some actual black people and that will spoil your holiday merriment? You should be ashamed.

Your whole letter is unAmerican. Half the economy of this great nation is based on holiday shopping. Without Christmas this whole country would plunge into The Great Depression II: The Sequel. Useless crap? I think not. What you demean as useless crap is the profit generator that keeps the whole circus afloat. And the one thing we do not need is a non-floating circus.

So let go of your grinchy attitude and start shopping. Get there early for the doorbusters and keep spending until they start declining your card. Time to get started on peace on earth, good will to men, and a pile of presents under the tree.

Doctor BS

Is punk rock dead?

Dear Doctor BS,

I want to be a punk rocker, but my mom says punk rock is dead. What can I do?

NV

Dear NV,

First off, if you're asking Mommy about punk then you are not punk. I don't care if Mommy is the original punk rock girl, she's your MOM!

Second, she has a point. The great American commercialization consumption machine swallowed the last dregs of punk a decade ago and has been shitting out corporate, sanitized pop punk bands ever since. (Sanitized shit? Now there's a metaphor.)

If all that doesn't matter to you, and you'd rather swim in the toilet of fake punk than grow up to be a good little cog and earn a real living, then who knows, you could be the next incarnation of real punk.

If so, here's what you do: 1. Eat only things that are not on the official food pyramid. 2. Decide whether you're SXE or drug-induced. If drug-induced, pick your drug now and devote yourself to it. 3. Find some like minded punks and go make some noise.

Otherwise in another year or two we're talking punk elevator muzak.

Doctor BS

I think hubby is cheating, help!

Dear Doctor BS,

Hubby and I have been married seven years, and lately I think he's got a case of the seven year itch. There are hang-up calls on the phone, mysterious charges on the credit cards, lots of nights where he's "working late". I think he might be cheating on me. I don't know for sure, but I just have a funny feeling in my gut. What should I do? Should I try to set a trap for him?

CF

Dear CF,

If you have a gut feeling about this, there are only three possibilities. One, he's cheating on you. Two, you have an intestinal parasite and should see a doctor. Three, he's a vigilante and all the late nights and phone calls and charges are part of his crime fighting duties. If it's three, he should really tell you about it so you can takes steps to protect yourself from his arch-nemesis, who in all likelihood is already looking to kidnap you and put you in some kind of near-death situation. And you really don't need that. Especially if you also have an intestinal parasite.

As far as setting a trap, I say go for it. Start small, a mouse trap perhaps, and work your way up from there.

Doctor BS