My roommate uses my towels

Dear Doctor BS,

I have a major problem with one of my roommates. We all live in a house together and share the cooking and cleaning duties, share food, etc. But where I draw the line is sharing towels. That's just unsanitary. But twice in the last week I've gone in to take a shower and found my towel wet and rumpled instead of dry and neatly folded. My roommate says I'm just being paranoid, but I know I'm not. And besides, ew! How gross is it to use someone else's towel? And one of the times, it was after he took one of his extra long showers if you know what I mean. He still denies it, so what can I do?

MM

Dear MM,

You must be new at the roommate game. Asking him directly? Strictly for amateurs. No, you tried being direct and it got you nowhere. Time to get passive aggressive.

The first thing to do is leave little notes for him with a friendly yet subtly aggressive tone. For example, "Please remember to put your own dishes in the dishwasher. Make sure to rinse them first. If everyone helps out then we all live in a nice house." Little notes like that all over the house will convey exactly the right idea to him: you're still a nice person, but you're done putting up with his crap.

Next, you start with tiny acts of retaliation. If he has a favorite food, go ahead and eat the last of it. If he doesn't like the dog in his room, make sure to leave his bedroom door open just a crack while he's at work. Accidentally drop his toothbrush on the floor and then pick it up and put it back without cleaning all the lint off it. Little things to let him know who's boss.

Next, you install surveillance cameras. Secretly of course. Normally this has to be done in the kitchen, but in your case the bathroom is the area of concern. Watch the tapes every night to see if he used your towel that day.

Last, you cut together the best footage and sell it on ebay. Homemade shower porn could be a nice little sideline business for you. Make a little extra money, enough to buy new towels at least.

Doctor BS

My roommate has noisy sex every night, but I need my sleep!

Dear Doctor BS,

I'm a college student living in a house with another college student. She recently found a boyfriend that she has chemistry with, and I don't mean the class! They come over to our apartment every night and have loud sex. We have very thin walls, and I can hear Absolutely Everything. Every moan, every squeak of the bedsprings, every naughty whisper, everything! Other than that, she's a good roommate, and we have a great apartment and I don't want to have to try to move in the middle of the semester. I'm afraid if I say something to her, she'll take it the wrong way and our whole situation will go down the tubes. But this is driving me crazy! I have an early lab two mornings a week, and I don't want to fall asleep at the Bunsen burner. What can I do?

PA

Dear PA,

At least she doesn't leave dirty dishes in the sink, right? Cause if she does, just move out now. Seriously, that's just gross.

But if you want to stay in this apartment, you'll have to make a few changes. First, consider dropping your early lab. Your whole adult life you'll have to get to some office early in the morning, so you should take advantage of the ability to sleep late while you still can.

Second, don't look at this as a problem, look at it as an opportunity. You say they have loud sex every night, roughly at the same time, and for the same amount of time? Great! That sounds like a lucrative live podcast to me. Just get yourself some recording equipment and start broadcasting. Trust me, people will tune in.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And dirty podcasts.

Doctor BS