Dear Doctor BS,
I'm sick of working for The Man. I hate clocking in and clocking out on their schedule, never having any time for myself and my interests. I want to be in charge of myself for once, be my own boss. But I don't know what kind of business to start. Any ideas?
MK
Dear MK,
The fact that you don't know what kind of business to start highlights an important point: you have no skills. If you had any actual skills, you'd know what business to start, because you'd just start a business selling your skills to clients. Let me guess, you were a liberal arts major, maybe English, maybe history, maybe even philosophy. So you're full of esoteric knowledge and have an inflated opinion of yourself. Easy, you buy a coffee shop. Give it a clever, self conscious name that will attract other overeducated people just like you. Make sure there's comfortable seating and they'll gladly stay all day, especially if you offer refills. The great thing is that you'll stay all day too, because you'll have to since you won't be able to afford to hire help. After a couple years, you'll either get good at it or go broke. But don't worry, if you do go broke, there's always another sucker waiting to buy a cute little coffee shop. Good luck.
Doctor BS
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
My apartment is a disaster
Dear Doctor BS,
The other day my friends ambushed me with what they called an intervention. They said that if I don't start cleaning my apartment, they'll have to do something drastic. They said it's unsanitary and gross. I admit, it is a little hard to find a clean space to sit down other than my recliner in front of the TV. And I have to eat on paper plates because every single dish is dirty. And there might be a little bit of a smell in certain rooms, or maybe in every room. But I just can't motivate myself to clean it. When I'm on my way home from class, I always think to myself, This is it, today I'll clean it all up. But when I get home, I just flop down in my chair and watch TV until bed. I don't even like all the shows, but they're just on. What can I do?
DP
Dear DP,
The one thing you should not do is attempt to clean this apartment yourself. A mess of this magnitude is beyond a slacker like you. Your friends are right, it's time for drastic measures.
You have to cancel the cable TV and spend that money on maid service. That is the only way you'll ever make something of your life. If you don't do this, you might as well drop out of school right now and go live in a trailer park. So do it. Right now. I mean it.
Doctor BS
The other day my friends ambushed me with what they called an intervention. They said that if I don't start cleaning my apartment, they'll have to do something drastic. They said it's unsanitary and gross. I admit, it is a little hard to find a clean space to sit down other than my recliner in front of the TV. And I have to eat on paper plates because every single dish is dirty. And there might be a little bit of a smell in certain rooms, or maybe in every room. But I just can't motivate myself to clean it. When I'm on my way home from class, I always think to myself, This is it, today I'll clean it all up. But when I get home, I just flop down in my chair and watch TV until bed. I don't even like all the shows, but they're just on. What can I do?
DP
Dear DP,
The one thing you should not do is attempt to clean this apartment yourself. A mess of this magnitude is beyond a slacker like you. Your friends are right, it's time for drastic measures.
You have to cancel the cable TV and spend that money on maid service. That is the only way you'll ever make something of your life. If you don't do this, you might as well drop out of school right now and go live in a trailer park. So do it. Right now. I mean it.
Doctor BS
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
My best friend is much more talented than me
Dear Doctor BS,
Ever since we were kids, I've been friends with a perfect person. My best friend, "Angela", is good at everything she does. Everything she touches turns to gold. She's prettier than me, got better grades than me, more athletic than me, and every talent I have she's twice as talented. I can draw a little, and she wins first prize at art shows. I like to write a little, and she's getting her first novel published by a major publisher. If I run a 5k, she'll win a 10k. She's invincible! We're best friends, but sometimes I just don't think I can stand it another second. What can I do to keep this jealousy from driving us apart?
EM
Dear EM,
It's not jealousy that will drive you apart. The problem is that you're a loser and Angela is a winner. Sooner or later she's bound to recognize that fact and start to drift away. Away from you and toward other winners. In the normal course of things, there's nothing you can do about that.
You can, however, change the course of things. You just have to be willing to commit. Which, given the fact that you're a loser, is unlikely. But still, I'll tell you how. Maybe you'll surprise me and actually do it.
It's very simple but not easy. You and Angela take a drive together, you in the drivers seat. Find a nice windy road and drive as fast as you can on it. Then drive faster than you can, until you swerve off the road and flip the vehicle a few times.
The possible outcomes include: both of you dead, which makes you equal; you dead, which brings her down for the rest of her life; her dead, which leaves you as number one; both of you severely injured, which just sucks; her severely injured, which makes you number one; you severely injured, which bonds her to you for life and gives you tremendous guilt powers over her; or both of you walk away fine, which makes you the crazier one, so at least you win at something.
Like I said, it's simple but not easy. You probably won't go through with it, but if you do, send me pictures.
Doctor BS
Ever since we were kids, I've been friends with a perfect person. My best friend, "Angela", is good at everything she does. Everything she touches turns to gold. She's prettier than me, got better grades than me, more athletic than me, and every talent I have she's twice as talented. I can draw a little, and she wins first prize at art shows. I like to write a little, and she's getting her first novel published by a major publisher. If I run a 5k, she'll win a 10k. She's invincible! We're best friends, but sometimes I just don't think I can stand it another second. What can I do to keep this jealousy from driving us apart?
EM
Dear EM,
It's not jealousy that will drive you apart. The problem is that you're a loser and Angela is a winner. Sooner or later she's bound to recognize that fact and start to drift away. Away from you and toward other winners. In the normal course of things, there's nothing you can do about that.
You can, however, change the course of things. You just have to be willing to commit. Which, given the fact that you're a loser, is unlikely. But still, I'll tell you how. Maybe you'll surprise me and actually do it.
It's very simple but not easy. You and Angela take a drive together, you in the drivers seat. Find a nice windy road and drive as fast as you can on it. Then drive faster than you can, until you swerve off the road and flip the vehicle a few times.
The possible outcomes include: both of you dead, which makes you equal; you dead, which brings her down for the rest of her life; her dead, which leaves you as number one; both of you severely injured, which just sucks; her severely injured, which makes you number one; you severely injured, which bonds her to you for life and gives you tremendous guilt powers over her; or both of you walk away fine, which makes you the crazier one, so at least you win at something.
Like I said, it's simple but not easy. You probably won't go through with it, but if you do, send me pictures.
Doctor BS
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
How do I tell my friends their screenplay sucked?
Dear Doctor BS,
I recently moved to LA, and it seems like it really is true what they say. Everyone out here is writing a screenplay. A couple of friends recently gave me their latest work and asked for feedback. I put it off for a while, but finally read it over the weekend. And it was bad. Not just a little bad, but really really bad. It sucked. The only parts that worked at all were obviously almost directly copied from their favorite movies. How do I tell them what I think, when I know they're not going to like it?
GL
Dear GL,
Tell them what you think? Wow, you are new to Hollywood. There is a reason that nobody ever says no in Hollywood. There is a reason everyone is so nice but shallow, so shallowly nice.
It's because everybody is totally naked all the time. Not physically, but emotionally. It's a bunch of sensitive creative types all gathered together trying their best to birth a work of great genius, and all of them have their babies up on the auction block all the time. LA is a town that understands the old saying about people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
So what do you do? You lie. You lie through your teeth. You lie like a rug. You tell them what you love about their script (I know you can find something, you're creative too, aren't you?) and gloss over any flaws. Mention a couple of the tiniest and most fixable flaws you can find (typos and the like can be good for this) and then go back to gushing about how much you loved it. Use words like characterization and theme and leitmotif. Talk about how much you appreciate the essense of the project. If the script is as bad as you say, it'll fail on its own without your help. Meanwhile, preserve your friendships and lie.
Doctor BS
I recently moved to LA, and it seems like it really is true what they say. Everyone out here is writing a screenplay. A couple of friends recently gave me their latest work and asked for feedback. I put it off for a while, but finally read it over the weekend. And it was bad. Not just a little bad, but really really bad. It sucked. The only parts that worked at all were obviously almost directly copied from their favorite movies. How do I tell them what I think, when I know they're not going to like it?
GL
Dear GL,
Tell them what you think? Wow, you are new to Hollywood. There is a reason that nobody ever says no in Hollywood. There is a reason everyone is so nice but shallow, so shallowly nice.
It's because everybody is totally naked all the time. Not physically, but emotionally. It's a bunch of sensitive creative types all gathered together trying their best to birth a work of great genius, and all of them have their babies up on the auction block all the time. LA is a town that understands the old saying about people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
So what do you do? You lie. You lie through your teeth. You lie like a rug. You tell them what you love about their script (I know you can find something, you're creative too, aren't you?) and gloss over any flaws. Mention a couple of the tiniest and most fixable flaws you can find (typos and the like can be good for this) and then go back to gushing about how much you loved it. Use words like characterization and theme and leitmotif. Talk about how much you appreciate the essense of the project. If the script is as bad as you say, it'll fail on its own without your help. Meanwhile, preserve your friendships and lie.
Doctor BS
Monday, November 26, 2007
My wife thinks I should go on a low sodium diet
Dear Doctor BS,
I have what might be termed risk factors for heart disease. My wife wants me to go on a low sodium diet so I'll be healthier and live longer. I don't want to go on some stupid diet. She's got a doctor backing her side, so I need a doctor on my side. How about it, Doctor BS?
TL
Dear TL
You're right. Going on some stupid low sodium diet would be as much fun as having a TV but only watching public access. Sure, some of it might be surprising and almost good, but mostly it's the same bland crap over and over again. Might as well just leave the house and have a real life.
But here's what you need to tell your wife. This whole low sodium thing? It's just a fad. Most diet advice is. One week something's good for you, the next week it's bad. In reality, it'll all kill you eventually. At least if you avoid stupid diets you'll have a good time in the process.
The other important thing to note is that sodium doesn't actually exist. Really. Look at the periodic table of the elements. In the square for sodium, it says "Na". Meaning not applicable. No such thing. It's just a name they gave to fill the space so the table didn't look funny. So go ahead, eat what you want. Good taste means it's good for you.
Doctor BS
I have what might be termed risk factors for heart disease. My wife wants me to go on a low sodium diet so I'll be healthier and live longer. I don't want to go on some stupid diet. She's got a doctor backing her side, so I need a doctor on my side. How about it, Doctor BS?
TL
Dear TL
You're right. Going on some stupid low sodium diet would be as much fun as having a TV but only watching public access. Sure, some of it might be surprising and almost good, but mostly it's the same bland crap over and over again. Might as well just leave the house and have a real life.
But here's what you need to tell your wife. This whole low sodium thing? It's just a fad. Most diet advice is. One week something's good for you, the next week it's bad. In reality, it'll all kill you eventually. At least if you avoid stupid diets you'll have a good time in the process.
The other important thing to note is that sodium doesn't actually exist. Really. Look at the periodic table of the elements. In the square for sodium, it says "Na". Meaning not applicable. No such thing. It's just a name they gave to fill the space so the table didn't look funny. So go ahead, eat what you want. Good taste means it's good for you.
Doctor BS
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Help me get back at my brother
Dear Doctor BS,
In a few weeks it'll be Christmas, which means going home and all the weirdness that entails. I can mostly handle my family except for my older brother, "Biff". Biff is a practical joker. I grew up always on the butt end of the jokes, all the classics. Hand in warm water while sleeping, toothpaste in the shoe, super glue on the toilet seat. I have a lot of emotional scars and a few physical ones from his so-called jokes. The worst thing is, when we're all home for the holidays, suddenly Biff is 13 again and I'm 9. I don't want to kill my brother, but I want to get him back. Do you know any good practical jokes I can play to finally start getting even?
LS
Dear LS,
What you've never realized is that you already played the biggest joke of them all on Biff. Being born. You're four years apart? That means that he was used to having Mom and Dad's attention all to himself, and then one day it all goes to hell. Who's the new baby? Why does baby get so much love and attention? What about Biff? What if I don't want to be a good big brother?
I imagine that is not much consolation, however. Your birth may have shattered his emotional world as a child, but he's still on you now. That means it's time to pull out the big guns: identity theft.
Because really, what else is identity theft but a giant, hilarious, expensive, illegal practical joke? You know all the important identifying info he'd use to get credit, so use that knowledge against him. Have a ball! Fly home first class, courtesy of Biff. Stay at a 5 star hotel, courtesy of Biff. Enjoy the company of minor local celebrities in an alcohol-induced frenzy of partying and throwing money around at the local watering hole, courtesy of Biff. Hell, go for broke and try to buy a house in Biff's name.
The look on his face when he finds out may only last a moment, but bad credit lasts a lifetime. Go get em.
Doctor BS
In a few weeks it'll be Christmas, which means going home and all the weirdness that entails. I can mostly handle my family except for my older brother, "Biff". Biff is a practical joker. I grew up always on the butt end of the jokes, all the classics. Hand in warm water while sleeping, toothpaste in the shoe, super glue on the toilet seat. I have a lot of emotional scars and a few physical ones from his so-called jokes. The worst thing is, when we're all home for the holidays, suddenly Biff is 13 again and I'm 9. I don't want to kill my brother, but I want to get him back. Do you know any good practical jokes I can play to finally start getting even?
LS
Dear LS,
What you've never realized is that you already played the biggest joke of them all on Biff. Being born. You're four years apart? That means that he was used to having Mom and Dad's attention all to himself, and then one day it all goes to hell. Who's the new baby? Why does baby get so much love and attention? What about Biff? What if I don't want to be a good big brother?
I imagine that is not much consolation, however. Your birth may have shattered his emotional world as a child, but he's still on you now. That means it's time to pull out the big guns: identity theft.
Because really, what else is identity theft but a giant, hilarious, expensive, illegal practical joke? You know all the important identifying info he'd use to get credit, so use that knowledge against him. Have a ball! Fly home first class, courtesy of Biff. Stay at a 5 star hotel, courtesy of Biff. Enjoy the company of minor local celebrities in an alcohol-induced frenzy of partying and throwing money around at the local watering hole, courtesy of Biff. Hell, go for broke and try to buy a house in Biff's name.
The look on his face when he finds out may only last a moment, but bad credit lasts a lifetime. Go get em.
Doctor BS
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I have terrible test phobia
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm not a stupid person. I read stuff, I understand it. But I have a terrible fear of tests. Just thinking about them makes me freeze up inside. But now I have to face the most important test of my life: The SAT. I want to go to a good college and have a decent life, but I just can't take this test! What can I do?
TC
Dear TC,
There are a couple of fairly obvious solutions to your problem, and it makes me wonder if you're really all that smart if you didn't think of them yourself. But even if you're not as smart as you think you are, I never said my mission was to refuse help to the less brainy among us.
First obvious solution, you pay someone else to impersonate you and take the test for you. Sure, they make you show ID, but it's not that hard to find someone who can pass for your drivers license photo. My drivers license photo looks almost nothing like me, and yet the cops never question whether or not it's really me.
Second obvious solution, you get a little drunk before taking the test. A drink or two to loosen up and you'll be fine. Keep the flask on you in case you start to sober up midway through. It has a nice backup plan in that if you are still freaking out, you just drink more and make yourself vomit. Instant excuse.
Some people might object to these excellent pieces of advice, tell you that you need to take this test seriously. These people should be ignored and possibly reviled. Standardized tests are a farce, and everyone over the age of 30 knows it, except the ones who work for the testing companies. And probably them too, in the dark recesses of their jaded little souls, if only they could admit it to themselves.
Doctor BS
I'm not a stupid person. I read stuff, I understand it. But I have a terrible fear of tests. Just thinking about them makes me freeze up inside. But now I have to face the most important test of my life: The SAT. I want to go to a good college and have a decent life, but I just can't take this test! What can I do?
TC
Dear TC,
There are a couple of fairly obvious solutions to your problem, and it makes me wonder if you're really all that smart if you didn't think of them yourself. But even if you're not as smart as you think you are, I never said my mission was to refuse help to the less brainy among us.
First obvious solution, you pay someone else to impersonate you and take the test for you. Sure, they make you show ID, but it's not that hard to find someone who can pass for your drivers license photo. My drivers license photo looks almost nothing like me, and yet the cops never question whether or not it's really me.
Second obvious solution, you get a little drunk before taking the test. A drink or two to loosen up and you'll be fine. Keep the flask on you in case you start to sober up midway through. It has a nice backup plan in that if you are still freaking out, you just drink more and make yourself vomit. Instant excuse.
Some people might object to these excellent pieces of advice, tell you that you need to take this test seriously. These people should be ignored and possibly reviled. Standardized tests are a farce, and everyone over the age of 30 knows it, except the ones who work for the testing companies. And probably them too, in the dark recesses of their jaded little souls, if only they could admit it to themselves.
Doctor BS
Friday, November 23, 2007
My roommate uses my towels
Dear Doctor BS,
I have a major problem with one of my roommates. We all live in a house together and share the cooking and cleaning duties, share food, etc. But where I draw the line is sharing towels. That's just unsanitary. But twice in the last week I've gone in to take a shower and found my towel wet and rumpled instead of dry and neatly folded. My roommate says I'm just being paranoid, but I know I'm not. And besides, ew! How gross is it to use someone else's towel? And one of the times, it was after he took one of his extra long showers if you know what I mean. He still denies it, so what can I do?
MM
Dear MM,
You must be new at the roommate game. Asking him directly? Strictly for amateurs. No, you tried being direct and it got you nowhere. Time to get passive aggressive.
The first thing to do is leave little notes for him with a friendly yet subtly aggressive tone. For example, "Please remember to put your own dishes in the dishwasher. Make sure to rinse them first. If everyone helps out then we all live in a nice house." Little notes like that all over the house will convey exactly the right idea to him: you're still a nice person, but you're done putting up with his crap.
Next, you start with tiny acts of retaliation. If he has a favorite food, go ahead and eat the last of it. If he doesn't like the dog in his room, make sure to leave his bedroom door open just a crack while he's at work. Accidentally drop his toothbrush on the floor and then pick it up and put it back without cleaning all the lint off it. Little things to let him know who's boss.
Next, you install surveillance cameras. Secretly of course. Normally this has to be done in the kitchen, but in your case the bathroom is the area of concern. Watch the tapes every night to see if he used your towel that day.
Last, you cut together the best footage and sell it on ebay. Homemade shower porn could be a nice little sideline business for you. Make a little extra money, enough to buy new towels at least.
Doctor BS
I have a major problem with one of my roommates. We all live in a house together and share the cooking and cleaning duties, share food, etc. But where I draw the line is sharing towels. That's just unsanitary. But twice in the last week I've gone in to take a shower and found my towel wet and rumpled instead of dry and neatly folded. My roommate says I'm just being paranoid, but I know I'm not. And besides, ew! How gross is it to use someone else's towel? And one of the times, it was after he took one of his extra long showers if you know what I mean. He still denies it, so what can I do?
MM
Dear MM,
You must be new at the roommate game. Asking him directly? Strictly for amateurs. No, you tried being direct and it got you nowhere. Time to get passive aggressive.
The first thing to do is leave little notes for him with a friendly yet subtly aggressive tone. For example, "Please remember to put your own dishes in the dishwasher. Make sure to rinse them first. If everyone helps out then we all live in a nice house." Little notes like that all over the house will convey exactly the right idea to him: you're still a nice person, but you're done putting up with his crap.
Next, you start with tiny acts of retaliation. If he has a favorite food, go ahead and eat the last of it. If he doesn't like the dog in his room, make sure to leave his bedroom door open just a crack while he's at work. Accidentally drop his toothbrush on the floor and then pick it up and put it back without cleaning all the lint off it. Little things to let him know who's boss.
Next, you install surveillance cameras. Secretly of course. Normally this has to be done in the kitchen, but in your case the bathroom is the area of concern. Watch the tapes every night to see if he used your towel that day.
Last, you cut together the best footage and sell it on ebay. Homemade shower porn could be a nice little sideline business for you. Make a little extra money, enough to buy new towels at least.
Doctor BS
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Descending into shopping hell
Dear Doctor BS,
My least favorite time of the year is coming up: Christmas shopping season. The crowds, the expense, the headache. Why can't everyone just believe their friends and family care about them without having to give them a bunch of useless crap? And do I really have to shop on the day after Thanksgiving?
PP
Dear PP,
One thing is clear from your letter, and that is that you are a racist. Not wanting to shop on "Black Friday"? Are you afraid you'll run into some actual black people and that will spoil your holiday merriment? You should be ashamed.
Your whole letter is unAmerican. Half the economy of this great nation is based on holiday shopping. Without Christmas this whole country would plunge into The Great Depression II: The Sequel. Useless crap? I think not. What you demean as useless crap is the profit generator that keeps the whole circus afloat. And the one thing we do not need is a non-floating circus.
So let go of your grinchy attitude and start shopping. Get there early for the doorbusters and keep spending until they start declining your card. Time to get started on peace on earth, good will to men, and a pile of presents under the tree.
Doctor BS
My least favorite time of the year is coming up: Christmas shopping season. The crowds, the expense, the headache. Why can't everyone just believe their friends and family care about them without having to give them a bunch of useless crap? And do I really have to shop on the day after Thanksgiving?
PP
Dear PP,
One thing is clear from your letter, and that is that you are a racist. Not wanting to shop on "Black Friday"? Are you afraid you'll run into some actual black people and that will spoil your holiday merriment? You should be ashamed.
Your whole letter is unAmerican. Half the economy of this great nation is based on holiday shopping. Without Christmas this whole country would plunge into The Great Depression II: The Sequel. Useless crap? I think not. What you demean as useless crap is the profit generator that keeps the whole circus afloat. And the one thing we do not need is a non-floating circus.
So let go of your grinchy attitude and start shopping. Get there early for the doorbusters and keep spending until they start declining your card. Time to get started on peace on earth, good will to men, and a pile of presents under the tree.
Doctor BS
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Is punk rock dead?
Dear Doctor BS,
I want to be a punk rocker, but my mom says punk rock is dead. What can I do?
NV
Dear NV,
First off, if you're asking Mommy about punk then you are not punk. I don't care if Mommy is the original punk rock girl, she's your MOM!
Second, she has a point. The great American commercialization consumption machine swallowed the last dregs of punk a decade ago and has been shitting out corporate, sanitized pop punk bands ever since. (Sanitized shit? Now there's a metaphor.)
If all that doesn't matter to you, and you'd rather swim in the toilet of fake punk than grow up to be a good little cog and earn a real living, then who knows, you could be the next incarnation of real punk.
If so, here's what you do: 1. Eat only things that are not on the official food pyramid. 2. Decide whether you're SXE or drug-induced. If drug-induced, pick your drug now and devote yourself to it. 3. Find some like minded punks and go make some noise.
Otherwise in another year or two we're talking punk elevator muzak.
Doctor BS
I want to be a punk rocker, but my mom says punk rock is dead. What can I do?
NV
Dear NV,
First off, if you're asking Mommy about punk then you are not punk. I don't care if Mommy is the original punk rock girl, she's your MOM!
Second, she has a point. The great American commercialization consumption machine swallowed the last dregs of punk a decade ago and has been shitting out corporate, sanitized pop punk bands ever since. (Sanitized shit? Now there's a metaphor.)
If all that doesn't matter to you, and you'd rather swim in the toilet of fake punk than grow up to be a good little cog and earn a real living, then who knows, you could be the next incarnation of real punk.
If so, here's what you do: 1. Eat only things that are not on the official food pyramid. 2. Decide whether you're SXE or drug-induced. If drug-induced, pick your drug now and devote yourself to it. 3. Find some like minded punks and go make some noise.
Otherwise in another year or two we're talking punk elevator muzak.
Doctor BS
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I think hubby is cheating, help!
Dear Doctor BS,
Hubby and I have been married seven years, and lately I think he's got a case of the seven year itch. There are hang-up calls on the phone, mysterious charges on the credit cards, lots of nights where he's "working late". I think he might be cheating on me. I don't know for sure, but I just have a funny feeling in my gut. What should I do? Should I try to set a trap for him?
CF
Dear CF,
If you have a gut feeling about this, there are only three possibilities. One, he's cheating on you. Two, you have an intestinal parasite and should see a doctor. Three, he's a vigilante and all the late nights and phone calls and charges are part of his crime fighting duties. If it's three, he should really tell you about it so you can takes steps to protect yourself from his arch-nemesis, who in all likelihood is already looking to kidnap you and put you in some kind of near-death situation. And you really don't need that. Especially if you also have an intestinal parasite.
As far as setting a trap, I say go for it. Start small, a mouse trap perhaps, and work your way up from there.
Doctor BS
Hubby and I have been married seven years, and lately I think he's got a case of the seven year itch. There are hang-up calls on the phone, mysterious charges on the credit cards, lots of nights where he's "working late". I think he might be cheating on me. I don't know for sure, but I just have a funny feeling in my gut. What should I do? Should I try to set a trap for him?
CF
Dear CF,
If you have a gut feeling about this, there are only three possibilities. One, he's cheating on you. Two, you have an intestinal parasite and should see a doctor. Three, he's a vigilante and all the late nights and phone calls and charges are part of his crime fighting duties. If it's three, he should really tell you about it so you can takes steps to protect yourself from his arch-nemesis, who in all likelihood is already looking to kidnap you and put you in some kind of near-death situation. And you really don't need that. Especially if you also have an intestinal parasite.
As far as setting a trap, I say go for it. Start small, a mouse trap perhaps, and work your way up from there.
Doctor BS
Monday, November 19, 2007
I'm in for a Thanksgiving nightmare
Dear Doctor BS,
Let me start off by saying that I am not a heavy drinker. But on Halloween I was out with some friends, and the costumes were funny (I was a zombie clown - lots of makeup), the party was crowded, and the drinks were flowing. In short, I was soon a hammered zombie clown. So hammered that when my friend "Julia" (not her real name) asked me to come to Thanksgiving at her house, I said yes. What's the problem? Julia is the worst cook in the universe, and she's been taking cooking classes at the community college. Basically the problem is that I'm going to have to eat her food, and I'm scared.
PE
Dear PE,
Thanksgiving is a magical holiday of togetherness and gluttony. We gather with family and friends to give thanks and then eat a week's worth of calories in one sitting, often with an additional helping or two later, after watching some football and loosening the belt and sometimes unbuttoning the top button of the pants.
The simple solution to your problem is just to cancel. I have the feeling that you won't do so because despite her cooking you seem to want to keep Julia as a friend. There might be an excuse that she would accept. Food poisoning, for example, because no one wants the projectile vomiting guy at the table when they're using the good china. Of course, deliberately getting food poisoning to avoid bad food might not be what you're after either.
You could also take your chances and show up in hopes that she's gone with a potluck style dinner, making sure to eat the dishes brought by the more competent cooks.
But in the end, I think you need to get yourself out of this problem the same way you got in: alcohol. You said you're not a big drinker, but I'm sure you have an inappropriate uncle in your family who you can use as an example. Booze it up in the morning. Bring a few bottles of wine and/or liquor with you and insist on opening the first one the second you step in the door. Then commandeer the lazyboy and proceed to drink yourself into a stupor in front of the TV. By the time dinner is served they might not even want you at the table. If you're even still conscious.
Admit it, you dressed up as a zombie clown for a reason. Now let that inner zombie clown come out with your good friend alcohol.
Doctor BS
Let me start off by saying that I am not a heavy drinker. But on Halloween I was out with some friends, and the costumes were funny (I was a zombie clown - lots of makeup), the party was crowded, and the drinks were flowing. In short, I was soon a hammered zombie clown. So hammered that when my friend "Julia" (not her real name) asked me to come to Thanksgiving at her house, I said yes. What's the problem? Julia is the worst cook in the universe, and she's been taking cooking classes at the community college. Basically the problem is that I'm going to have to eat her food, and I'm scared.
PE
Dear PE,
Thanksgiving is a magical holiday of togetherness and gluttony. We gather with family and friends to give thanks and then eat a week's worth of calories in one sitting, often with an additional helping or two later, after watching some football and loosening the belt and sometimes unbuttoning the top button of the pants.
The simple solution to your problem is just to cancel. I have the feeling that you won't do so because despite her cooking you seem to want to keep Julia as a friend. There might be an excuse that she would accept. Food poisoning, for example, because no one wants the projectile vomiting guy at the table when they're using the good china. Of course, deliberately getting food poisoning to avoid bad food might not be what you're after either.
You could also take your chances and show up in hopes that she's gone with a potluck style dinner, making sure to eat the dishes brought by the more competent cooks.
But in the end, I think you need to get yourself out of this problem the same way you got in: alcohol. You said you're not a big drinker, but I'm sure you have an inappropriate uncle in your family who you can use as an example. Booze it up in the morning. Bring a few bottles of wine and/or liquor with you and insist on opening the first one the second you step in the door. Then commandeer the lazyboy and proceed to drink yourself into a stupor in front of the TV. By the time dinner is served they might not even want you at the table. If you're even still conscious.
Admit it, you dressed up as a zombie clown for a reason. Now let that inner zombie clown come out with your good friend alcohol.
Doctor BS
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Here come the sweater pants
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm a high school senior and my parents just don't understand me. They want me to go to college for medicine or law. I think medicine is yucky and law is boring. What I really want to do with my life is become a famous fashion designer. I already make my own clothes, and I made several of my friends' prom dresses too. I'm really good! How can I make my parents accept that I have a destiny, and it's not the one they have in mind for me?
SP
Dear SP,
First off, congratulations on knowing what you want at such a young age. Most people are still trying to figure it out on the fly as they get into their 30s. Your parents sound like the kind of people who are so set in their ways that only a dramatic demonstration will shock them into accepting the truth. Ever attempted suicide? That can be a good attention getter, at least the first time. Kind of loses its sting on subsequent (failed) attempts.
There are a few obvious things to do, like dramatically flunking your SATs, writing in your admissions essays that you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, starting a brawl during a campus tour. If nothing else, those should help you not to get into pre-med or pre-law, or really into almost any college at all.
You might not even want to finish high school. Just in case. Meanwhile, you should be working on your first collection, and hold a fashion show which you'll also post on YouTube and sell your clothes on your website. Go with something bold. Like sweater pants. I mean, why limit the cozy feel of a sweater just to your upper body? The lower half would like to be swaddled in comfy, fuzzy warmth too. Bring on the sweater pants!
Doctor BS
I'm a high school senior and my parents just don't understand me. They want me to go to college for medicine or law. I think medicine is yucky and law is boring. What I really want to do with my life is become a famous fashion designer. I already make my own clothes, and I made several of my friends' prom dresses too. I'm really good! How can I make my parents accept that I have a destiny, and it's not the one they have in mind for me?
SP
Dear SP,
First off, congratulations on knowing what you want at such a young age. Most people are still trying to figure it out on the fly as they get into their 30s. Your parents sound like the kind of people who are so set in their ways that only a dramatic demonstration will shock them into accepting the truth. Ever attempted suicide? That can be a good attention getter, at least the first time. Kind of loses its sting on subsequent (failed) attempts.
There are a few obvious things to do, like dramatically flunking your SATs, writing in your admissions essays that you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, starting a brawl during a campus tour. If nothing else, those should help you not to get into pre-med or pre-law, or really into almost any college at all.
You might not even want to finish high school. Just in case. Meanwhile, you should be working on your first collection, and hold a fashion show which you'll also post on YouTube and sell your clothes on your website. Go with something bold. Like sweater pants. I mean, why limit the cozy feel of a sweater just to your upper body? The lower half would like to be swaddled in comfy, fuzzy warmth too. Bring on the sweater pants!
Doctor BS
Saturday, November 17, 2007
I want to be a vigilante
Dear Doctor BS,
There is too much crime out there. Every night on the news there's a new one. I don't understand why the cops can't take care of their shit, but it looks like they can't. Law abiding citizens are under attack, and I for one don't plan to take it any longer. I want to be a vigilante! Any words of advice before I begin my crusade?
CU
Dear CU,
Becoming a vigilante is a wonderful idea, and I'm sure you'll be quite successful at it. But before you hit the streets, make sure you have your bases covered.
First, you'll need a name. Not your real name, but your vigilante name. This can be tricky, as there have been some very clever people coming up with clever names for vigilante characters for many years. It's hard to find something that's not taken, and that doesn't sound totally stupid. But I'm sure you'll think of something.
Second, your look. Unless you plan to go out and fight crime in your street clothes, you'll need a costume. Body armor? Mask? Tights? And what's your color scheme? Perhaps something that ties in with the name.
Third, your alter ego. As I'm sure you know, vigilante justice doesn't pay very well, so your alter ego has to be the one that pays the bills (rather like most actors). So you need to think of something that is reasonably lucrative without being too demanding or time consuming, otherwise when will you find the time to fight crime? Obviously, the best possible job for an alter ego is rich playboy. Barring that, journalism has its share of adherants. Science seems to be another popular choice.
Next, you need a backstory. A mythology. It just won't do to go out all willy nilly trying to fight crime without a clever yet poignant backstory. So think hard about this one. Figuring out an arch-enemy can go a long way in creating a good backstory, so you'll need one of those too.
And finally, will you work solo or will you have a sidekick? I understand that vigilante work can get pretty lonely, so you might want to give the sidekick serious consideration.
So there you are. Figure out your shtick and then don those tights and get out there. Freak.
Doctor BS
There is too much crime out there. Every night on the news there's a new one. I don't understand why the cops can't take care of their shit, but it looks like they can't. Law abiding citizens are under attack, and I for one don't plan to take it any longer. I want to be a vigilante! Any words of advice before I begin my crusade?
CU
Dear CU,
Becoming a vigilante is a wonderful idea, and I'm sure you'll be quite successful at it. But before you hit the streets, make sure you have your bases covered.
First, you'll need a name. Not your real name, but your vigilante name. This can be tricky, as there have been some very clever people coming up with clever names for vigilante characters for many years. It's hard to find something that's not taken, and that doesn't sound totally stupid. But I'm sure you'll think of something.
Second, your look. Unless you plan to go out and fight crime in your street clothes, you'll need a costume. Body armor? Mask? Tights? And what's your color scheme? Perhaps something that ties in with the name.
Third, your alter ego. As I'm sure you know, vigilante justice doesn't pay very well, so your alter ego has to be the one that pays the bills (rather like most actors). So you need to think of something that is reasonably lucrative without being too demanding or time consuming, otherwise when will you find the time to fight crime? Obviously, the best possible job for an alter ego is rich playboy. Barring that, journalism has its share of adherants. Science seems to be another popular choice.
Next, you need a backstory. A mythology. It just won't do to go out all willy nilly trying to fight crime without a clever yet poignant backstory. So think hard about this one. Figuring out an arch-enemy can go a long way in creating a good backstory, so you'll need one of those too.
And finally, will you work solo or will you have a sidekick? I understand that vigilante work can get pretty lonely, so you might want to give the sidekick serious consideration.
So there you are. Figure out your shtick and then don those tights and get out there. Freak.
Doctor BS
Friday, November 16, 2007
I hate my toes!
Dear Doctor BS,
I have an embarrassing problem. I'm young, cute, have a good figure and all that, but I have the ugliest toes in the world. I hate them! I'm a Barbie doll down to my ankles, but a hobbit after that. I went to the salon the other day for a mani-pedi and the pedicurist recoiled from my feet, and then inspected them way too thoroughly and narrating in Korean. It was so humiliating. I can never go there again. Short of cutting them off, what can I do?
VG
Dear VG,
Your letter is one of the most frustrating kind to answer. It touched my heart, thinking of you so attractive except for one hideous flaw. I could see the answer forming in my mind, and then I read your final sentence.
Short of cutting them off? Why? Why not cut them off if you hate them so much? I think you feel more disfigured now than you would without your toes and/or feet. Really, they're doing such wonderful things with prosthetics these days.
But if you insist on rejecting the miracles of science, you do have two other choices. The first is to move to Alaska, where thick socks and heavy boots never look out of place. The second choice is to become a marathon runner and subject your feet to enough abuse that anyone looking at them will assume it's the running that makes them look that way.
One final option: a sex change. Hobbit toes don't look so bad on a man.
I have an embarrassing problem. I'm young, cute, have a good figure and all that, but I have the ugliest toes in the world. I hate them! I'm a Barbie doll down to my ankles, but a hobbit after that. I went to the salon the other day for a mani-pedi and the pedicurist recoiled from my feet, and then inspected them way too thoroughly and narrating in Korean. It was so humiliating. I can never go there again. Short of cutting them off, what can I do?
VG
Dear VG,
Your letter is one of the most frustrating kind to answer. It touched my heart, thinking of you so attractive except for one hideous flaw. I could see the answer forming in my mind, and then I read your final sentence.
Short of cutting them off? Why? Why not cut them off if you hate them so much? I think you feel more disfigured now than you would without your toes and/or feet. Really, they're doing such wonderful things with prosthetics these days.
But if you insist on rejecting the miracles of science, you do have two other choices. The first is to move to Alaska, where thick socks and heavy boots never look out of place. The second choice is to become a marathon runner and subject your feet to enough abuse that anyone looking at them will assume it's the running that makes them look that way.
One final option: a sex change. Hobbit toes don't look so bad on a man.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Confessions of a teenaged video game addict
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm in a lot of trouble. My first semester of college is almost over, and I haven't been to class in weeks. I can't study. Not when there are video games to be played. My roommate has a wii, and since the first time I tried it, I've been hooked. I'm pretty sure I'm flunking everything, and the add/drop date is past. My parents are going to freak out when they get my grades. I'll probably be kicked out of school. I know I need to quit this and buckle down, but I just can't make myself do it. What can I do?
JA
Dear JA,
Plenty of people might advise you on various ways to break the hold of an addiction. Meetings, therapy, meditation, exercise, graphs and charts and gold sticker stars. They might remind you of how hard you've worked to get where you are today. They might tell you to think before you throw it all away. They might say it's not too late for you, it's never too late. But they would be wrong.
You have passed the point of no return. You are going to fail, no way out of it. And sure, you could pull out of your current spiral and fail with a hard fought 55%. You could leverage all this guilt you're feeling, take the middle path, the golden mean.
Or you could go for the gusto, fail spectacularly. Don't just get a zero in every class, but make sure to piss off your professors in the process. Go to the final exam and sleep through it, snoring and drooling. Or make a fleet of paper airplanes out of the test papers and fly them all over the room. Or show up in a loincloth and try to make a bonfire with your books, using the final as kindling.
You're days in school are numbered, so start counting them down. Quit sleeping, order pizza for every meal, play video games until you collapse from exhaustion. If you give up and become ordinary now just because you're afraid of failure, you'll go on being ordinary the rest of your life. So go on, set a record.
Doctor BS
I'm in a lot of trouble. My first semester of college is almost over, and I haven't been to class in weeks. I can't study. Not when there are video games to be played. My roommate has a wii, and since the first time I tried it, I've been hooked. I'm pretty sure I'm flunking everything, and the add/drop date is past. My parents are going to freak out when they get my grades. I'll probably be kicked out of school. I know I need to quit this and buckle down, but I just can't make myself do it. What can I do?
JA
Dear JA,
Plenty of people might advise you on various ways to break the hold of an addiction. Meetings, therapy, meditation, exercise, graphs and charts and gold sticker stars. They might remind you of how hard you've worked to get where you are today. They might tell you to think before you throw it all away. They might say it's not too late for you, it's never too late. But they would be wrong.
You have passed the point of no return. You are going to fail, no way out of it. And sure, you could pull out of your current spiral and fail with a hard fought 55%. You could leverage all this guilt you're feeling, take the middle path, the golden mean.
Or you could go for the gusto, fail spectacularly. Don't just get a zero in every class, but make sure to piss off your professors in the process. Go to the final exam and sleep through it, snoring and drooling. Or make a fleet of paper airplanes out of the test papers and fly them all over the room. Or show up in a loincloth and try to make a bonfire with your books, using the final as kindling.
You're days in school are numbered, so start counting them down. Quit sleeping, order pizza for every meal, play video games until you collapse from exhaustion. If you give up and become ordinary now just because you're afraid of failure, you'll go on being ordinary the rest of your life. So go on, set a record.
Doctor BS
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Help me be smooth with the ladies in the bar
Dear Doctor BS,
I have a well paid job, a fully funded 401(k), a high IQ and a full head of hair. As my mother likes to tell me, I'm a real catch. For some reason, when I go out I just can't seem to meet anyone. Heck, I don't even know what drink to order at the bar. I need some help with the ladies. Please advise.
NN
Dear NN,
Smart, hairy, and comfortable. Financially comfortable that is. It's clear that inside your heart of hearts, you're anything but comfortable. You want to be a man, but you know you're a weenie.
The drink says a lot about the man. A real man needs to know his drink.
Beer says you're not too bright, but you know what you like: sports and breasts.
A martini says you're still secretly wishing you'd turned out to be James Bond, and you're ready and willing to drink away that disappointment.
Wine says you're pretentious, feel sophisticated wearing a turtleneck, and might be gay.
Scotch says you like to enjoy the finer things in life... through a drunken haze if possible.
Tequila says you're not afraid to wake up in puddle of vomit.
But what is the drink for a weenie, wishing to be a man, and wishing to impress the ladies? Simple: order a Cuba libre NFL. When they ask what's NFL, tell them "No Fucking Lime." After uttering a cheesy line like that one, even a weenie will start to feel the inner glow of confidence that makes all the difference to the ladies. Next thing you know, you'll be sauntering up to some sweet thing and whispering in her ear, "My mother says I'm a real catch."
Keep on cheesing, drinking, and whispering. You'll get the hang of it.
Doctor BS
I have a well paid job, a fully funded 401(k), a high IQ and a full head of hair. As my mother likes to tell me, I'm a real catch. For some reason, when I go out I just can't seem to meet anyone. Heck, I don't even know what drink to order at the bar. I need some help with the ladies. Please advise.
NN
Dear NN,
Smart, hairy, and comfortable. Financially comfortable that is. It's clear that inside your heart of hearts, you're anything but comfortable. You want to be a man, but you know you're a weenie.
The drink says a lot about the man. A real man needs to know his drink.
Beer says you're not too bright, but you know what you like: sports and breasts.
A martini says you're still secretly wishing you'd turned out to be James Bond, and you're ready and willing to drink away that disappointment.
Wine says you're pretentious, feel sophisticated wearing a turtleneck, and might be gay.
Scotch says you like to enjoy the finer things in life... through a drunken haze if possible.
Tequila says you're not afraid to wake up in puddle of vomit.
But what is the drink for a weenie, wishing to be a man, and wishing to impress the ladies? Simple: order a Cuba libre NFL. When they ask what's NFL, tell them "No Fucking Lime." After uttering a cheesy line like that one, even a weenie will start to feel the inner glow of confidence that makes all the difference to the ladies. Next thing you know, you'll be sauntering up to some sweet thing and whispering in her ear, "My mother says I'm a real catch."
Keep on cheesing, drinking, and whispering. You'll get the hang of it.
Doctor BS
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I want my entire deposit back!
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm half way through my apartment lease, and I know I'm out of this place when the lease is up. Cockroaches, substandard plumbing, etc. The usual bad apartment stuff. I put down two months rent as a deposit, and I just know my cheap dirtbag landlord will try to stiff me on it when I leave. Up until recently he would have had a hard time, but the other night.... life happened. I had a lady friend over, and we were drinking wine and having a few laughs, one thing led to another, which led to an entire glass of wine spilled on the carpet. Red wine. White carpet. Big stain. I really need that deposit money back! What can I do?
CA
Dear CA,
When I first read your letter, I was concerned that you had accidentally sent me a question for Hints from Heloise. What do I know about getting stains out of white carpet? (On a related note, who puts white carpet in an apartment? Your landlord is either a sadist or a moron.) When I read your letter again, however, I realized that the true subtext was asking a much more suitable question: how do you avoid the natural consequences of your mistake?
Everyone makes little mistakes, and the universe generally punishes them. But in your case, there is an obvious solution: a collosal mistake.
I'm going to assume that you have renter's insurance. I'm also going to assume that you are a smoker. Rent a safety deposit box for all your important papers, then go ahead and be the careless idiot I know you can be, so careless that your smoldering ashtray just happens to be beneath your highly flammable drapes. Oops, accidents happen, and insurance makes it all better.
And next time consider scotchgarding your carpet. Or putting down a tarp when entertaining your lady friends.
I'm half way through my apartment lease, and I know I'm out of this place when the lease is up. Cockroaches, substandard plumbing, etc. The usual bad apartment stuff. I put down two months rent as a deposit, and I just know my cheap dirtbag landlord will try to stiff me on it when I leave. Up until recently he would have had a hard time, but the other night.... life happened. I had a lady friend over, and we were drinking wine and having a few laughs, one thing led to another, which led to an entire glass of wine spilled on the carpet. Red wine. White carpet. Big stain. I really need that deposit money back! What can I do?
CA
Dear CA,
When I first read your letter, I was concerned that you had accidentally sent me a question for Hints from Heloise. What do I know about getting stains out of white carpet? (On a related note, who puts white carpet in an apartment? Your landlord is either a sadist or a moron.) When I read your letter again, however, I realized that the true subtext was asking a much more suitable question: how do you avoid the natural consequences of your mistake?
Everyone makes little mistakes, and the universe generally punishes them. But in your case, there is an obvious solution: a collosal mistake.
I'm going to assume that you have renter's insurance. I'm also going to assume that you are a smoker. Rent a safety deposit box for all your important papers, then go ahead and be the careless idiot I know you can be, so careless that your smoldering ashtray just happens to be beneath your highly flammable drapes. Oops, accidents happen, and insurance makes it all better.
And next time consider scotchgarding your carpet. Or putting down a tarp when entertaining your lady friends.
Monday, November 12, 2007
What's up with the writers strike?
Dear Doctor BS,
What's up with this writers strike? I watch TV all the time, and I don't want my favorite shows to go away. Like, what would I do then, watch reruns? And what do these writers want, anyway? I mean, they're all rich and famous and stuff already. I'd love to be a screenwriter, I'd be on Easy Street. But no, I have to go to my stupid boring job all day and only get to watch TV at night and on the weekends. Besides, how hard can it be to do their job? Spoiled bunch of babies.
BH
Dear BH,
It would seem that you suffer from a popular misconception, one that is common to people who have never had an original thought in their life. Namely, you think that it's easy to come up with original thoughts, despite the fact that you've never had one yourself.
You see, watching TV is not the same thing as creating TV. Just like watching the space shuttle launch isn't the same thing as being an astronaut. Or just like watching a bag of popcorn in the microwave is not the same thing as having all the moisture in your body superheated until your husk explodes into a delicious, crunchy, salty treat. Or just like watching child pornography doesn't make you a pedophile. Wait, that last one isn't right, it does make you a pedophile.
Think about this for a moment, if your livelihood depended on you coming up with original thougths, you would be dead. So give the writers a little credit and be patient while they do battle with the forces of corporate greed. Soon it will all be over and your viewing habits can go back to normal. Although it wouldn't hurt you to get off the couch once in a while. Fatty.
Doctor BS
What's up with this writers strike? I watch TV all the time, and I don't want my favorite shows to go away. Like, what would I do then, watch reruns? And what do these writers want, anyway? I mean, they're all rich and famous and stuff already. I'd love to be a screenwriter, I'd be on Easy Street. But no, I have to go to my stupid boring job all day and only get to watch TV at night and on the weekends. Besides, how hard can it be to do their job? Spoiled bunch of babies.
BH
Dear BH,
It would seem that you suffer from a popular misconception, one that is common to people who have never had an original thought in their life. Namely, you think that it's easy to come up with original thoughts, despite the fact that you've never had one yourself.
You see, watching TV is not the same thing as creating TV. Just like watching the space shuttle launch isn't the same thing as being an astronaut. Or just like watching a bag of popcorn in the microwave is not the same thing as having all the moisture in your body superheated until your husk explodes into a delicious, crunchy, salty treat. Or just like watching child pornography doesn't make you a pedophile. Wait, that last one isn't right, it does make you a pedophile.
Think about this for a moment, if your livelihood depended on you coming up with original thougths, you would be dead. So give the writers a little credit and be patient while they do battle with the forces of corporate greed. Soon it will all be over and your viewing habits can go back to normal. Although it wouldn't hurt you to get off the couch once in a while. Fatty.
Doctor BS
Sunday, November 11, 2007
My roommate has noisy sex every night, but I need my sleep!
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm a college student living in a house with another college student. She recently found a boyfriend that she has chemistry with, and I don't mean the class! They come over to our apartment every night and have loud sex. We have very thin walls, and I can hear Absolutely Everything. Every moan, every squeak of the bedsprings, every naughty whisper, everything! Other than that, she's a good roommate, and we have a great apartment and I don't want to have to try to move in the middle of the semester. I'm afraid if I say something to her, she'll take it the wrong way and our whole situation will go down the tubes. But this is driving me crazy! I have an early lab two mornings a week, and I don't want to fall asleep at the Bunsen burner. What can I do?
PA
Dear PA,
At least she doesn't leave dirty dishes in the sink, right? Cause if she does, just move out now. Seriously, that's just gross.
But if you want to stay in this apartment, you'll have to make a few changes. First, consider dropping your early lab. Your whole adult life you'll have to get to some office early in the morning, so you should take advantage of the ability to sleep late while you still can.
Second, don't look at this as a problem, look at it as an opportunity. You say they have loud sex every night, roughly at the same time, and for the same amount of time? Great! That sounds like a lucrative live podcast to me. Just get yourself some recording equipment and start broadcasting. Trust me, people will tune in.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And dirty podcasts.
Doctor BS
I'm a college student living in a house with another college student. She recently found a boyfriend that she has chemistry with, and I don't mean the class! They come over to our apartment every night and have loud sex. We have very thin walls, and I can hear Absolutely Everything. Every moan, every squeak of the bedsprings, every naughty whisper, everything! Other than that, she's a good roommate, and we have a great apartment and I don't want to have to try to move in the middle of the semester. I'm afraid if I say something to her, she'll take it the wrong way and our whole situation will go down the tubes. But this is driving me crazy! I have an early lab two mornings a week, and I don't want to fall asleep at the Bunsen burner. What can I do?
PA
Dear PA,
At least she doesn't leave dirty dishes in the sink, right? Cause if she does, just move out now. Seriously, that's just gross.
But if you want to stay in this apartment, you'll have to make a few changes. First, consider dropping your early lab. Your whole adult life you'll have to get to some office early in the morning, so you should take advantage of the ability to sleep late while you still can.
Second, don't look at this as a problem, look at it as an opportunity. You say they have loud sex every night, roughly at the same time, and for the same amount of time? Great! That sounds like a lucrative live podcast to me. Just get yourself some recording equipment and start broadcasting. Trust me, people will tune in.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And dirty podcasts.
Doctor BS
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Which is the best pet: a dog or a cat?
Dear Doctor BS,
It seems like most people are either dog people or cat people. I'm neither, I guess. I grew up in an apartment where no pets were allowed, and never had either one. I've never had a traumatic experience with either one, no scratches or bites, etc. Anyway, I'm moving into my first apartment and this building allows pets. But the big question is, which pet is best, a dog or a cat? I just can't make up my mind.
DH
Dear DH,
Your dilemma is rather unusual. As you say, most people are either dog people or cat people. Many times that comes from early experiences, whether positive or negative. Other times it comes from what sort of personality you have or want people to think you have. Are you cuddly yet aloof? Or are you friendly and energetic? Dirty or clean? Indoors or outdoors? Poop in a bag or poop in a box? Most people know which one they are just like they know if they're gay or straight.
You however are wishy-washy. This is a big problem, and sad to say, I think it means you should not get a pet at all. If you can't make up your mind about what kind of pet you like, maybe there are other things you can't make up your mind about, like what species of mate you're attracted to. And let's face it, both cats and dogs spend a lot of time licking their nether regions, which I fear could be just too much temptation for a wishy-washy pervert like yourself to handle in an intimate space like your own apartment.
So, no pets for you.
Well, maybe a pet rock. Or a chia pet. Ch-ch-ch-chia!
Doctor BS
It seems like most people are either dog people or cat people. I'm neither, I guess. I grew up in an apartment where no pets were allowed, and never had either one. I've never had a traumatic experience with either one, no scratches or bites, etc. Anyway, I'm moving into my first apartment and this building allows pets. But the big question is, which pet is best, a dog or a cat? I just can't make up my mind.
DH
Dear DH,
Your dilemma is rather unusual. As you say, most people are either dog people or cat people. Many times that comes from early experiences, whether positive or negative. Other times it comes from what sort of personality you have or want people to think you have. Are you cuddly yet aloof? Or are you friendly and energetic? Dirty or clean? Indoors or outdoors? Poop in a bag or poop in a box? Most people know which one they are just like they know if they're gay or straight.
You however are wishy-washy. This is a big problem, and sad to say, I think it means you should not get a pet at all. If you can't make up your mind about what kind of pet you like, maybe there are other things you can't make up your mind about, like what species of mate you're attracted to. And let's face it, both cats and dogs spend a lot of time licking their nether regions, which I fear could be just too much temptation for a wishy-washy pervert like yourself to handle in an intimate space like your own apartment.
So, no pets for you.
Well, maybe a pet rock. Or a chia pet. Ch-ch-ch-chia!
Doctor BS
Friday, November 9, 2007
My coworkers are ugly, smelly, and annoying. Help!
Dear Doctor BS,
My life is a living hell. I work overtime every day at a job I used to love, until the last person I actually liked got fired. Now my cubicle is completely surrounded by morons. On the right is the smelly idiot who eats stinky food all morning and farts all afternoon. On the left is the noisy idiot who plays the radio on a horrible smooth jazz station all day long, with the volume just loud enough that I can hear it but not the manager. And in the cubicle across from me is the ugly idiot, a quasimodo so hieous that a Freddy Krueger mask would be a step up, so ugly that "Pizza Face" would be a compliment. I can't afford to quit this job, but I can't stand this any longer. Please help!
TL
Dear TL,
Some people would suggest earplugs, a different feng shui for your desk, and a fan, while you being a job search. Others would say a straightforward talk with the offenders would help matters. And yet others would prescribe a little soul-searching, for surely you are at least as annoying to someone as your coworkers are to you; judge not lest ye be judged, and all that.
But in truth your problem has a very simple solution: alcohol.
Start getting drunk at work and you will find yourself happier as you sing along with the muzak, openly insult Pizza Face, and when the booze gets the best of you make sure to vomit into the smelly cube-mate's trash. Work will be more fun and you'll always have a head start on your weekends.
Doctor BS
My life is a living hell. I work overtime every day at a job I used to love, until the last person I actually liked got fired. Now my cubicle is completely surrounded by morons. On the right is the smelly idiot who eats stinky food all morning and farts all afternoon. On the left is the noisy idiot who plays the radio on a horrible smooth jazz station all day long, with the volume just loud enough that I can hear it but not the manager. And in the cubicle across from me is the ugly idiot, a quasimodo so hieous that a Freddy Krueger mask would be a step up, so ugly that "Pizza Face" would be a compliment. I can't afford to quit this job, but I can't stand this any longer. Please help!
TL
Dear TL,
Some people would suggest earplugs, a different feng shui for your desk, and a fan, while you being a job search. Others would say a straightforward talk with the offenders would help matters. And yet others would prescribe a little soul-searching, for surely you are at least as annoying to someone as your coworkers are to you; judge not lest ye be judged, and all that.
But in truth your problem has a very simple solution: alcohol.
Start getting drunk at work and you will find yourself happier as you sing along with the muzak, openly insult Pizza Face, and when the booze gets the best of you make sure to vomit into the smelly cube-mate's trash. Work will be more fun and you'll always have a head start on your weekends.
Doctor BS
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