Dear Doctor BS,
My friends say I'm indecisive. One friend in particular says it really annoys him. I don't feel like I'm indecisive, I just want to be sure I have all the information so I can make the best choice. I like to weigh the pros and cons before I make a decision. My friend says he doesn't want to go to lunch with me any more because it takes me too long to pick a restaurant, and then our lunch break is over. I tell him that he should pick then, but he doesn't like that answer either. What can I do to let my friends know that I'm not being indecisive, I just don't want to make a bad choice?
CV
Dear CV,
Your friends are right. You are indecisive. It's because you're afraid of not being perfect. Time to let go of that one, honey, because nobody is perfect except Doctor BS.
Here's a method for better decision making:
1. Is it a big choice or a little choice? Big choices include who to marry, whether to have children, and whether to get behind the wheel after a night of tequila shooters. Big choices have a big effect on the rest of your life. Feel free to weigh the pros and cons.
2. If it's a little choice, for example where to go for lunch, pick two of the more appealing options and flip a coin. It's that simple. Keep the little choices fast and painless by always carrying a good flipping coin. If you're superstitious, get a nice fancy flipping coin and tell yourself it's lucky. Trust me, for the little choices in life, it's not going to steer you wrong.
Doctor BS
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
My apartment is a disaster
Dear Doctor BS,
The other day my friends ambushed me with what they called an intervention. They said that if I don't start cleaning my apartment, they'll have to do something drastic. They said it's unsanitary and gross. I admit, it is a little hard to find a clean space to sit down other than my recliner in front of the TV. And I have to eat on paper plates because every single dish is dirty. And there might be a little bit of a smell in certain rooms, or maybe in every room. But I just can't motivate myself to clean it. When I'm on my way home from class, I always think to myself, This is it, today I'll clean it all up. But when I get home, I just flop down in my chair and watch TV until bed. I don't even like all the shows, but they're just on. What can I do?
DP
Dear DP,
The one thing you should not do is attempt to clean this apartment yourself. A mess of this magnitude is beyond a slacker like you. Your friends are right, it's time for drastic measures.
You have to cancel the cable TV and spend that money on maid service. That is the only way you'll ever make something of your life. If you don't do this, you might as well drop out of school right now and go live in a trailer park. So do it. Right now. I mean it.
Doctor BS
The other day my friends ambushed me with what they called an intervention. They said that if I don't start cleaning my apartment, they'll have to do something drastic. They said it's unsanitary and gross. I admit, it is a little hard to find a clean space to sit down other than my recliner in front of the TV. And I have to eat on paper plates because every single dish is dirty. And there might be a little bit of a smell in certain rooms, or maybe in every room. But I just can't motivate myself to clean it. When I'm on my way home from class, I always think to myself, This is it, today I'll clean it all up. But when I get home, I just flop down in my chair and watch TV until bed. I don't even like all the shows, but they're just on. What can I do?
DP
Dear DP,
The one thing you should not do is attempt to clean this apartment yourself. A mess of this magnitude is beyond a slacker like you. Your friends are right, it's time for drastic measures.
You have to cancel the cable TV and spend that money on maid service. That is the only way you'll ever make something of your life. If you don't do this, you might as well drop out of school right now and go live in a trailer park. So do it. Right now. I mean it.
Doctor BS
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
My best friend is much more talented than me
Dear Doctor BS,
Ever since we were kids, I've been friends with a perfect person. My best friend, "Angela", is good at everything she does. Everything she touches turns to gold. She's prettier than me, got better grades than me, more athletic than me, and every talent I have she's twice as talented. I can draw a little, and she wins first prize at art shows. I like to write a little, and she's getting her first novel published by a major publisher. If I run a 5k, she'll win a 10k. She's invincible! We're best friends, but sometimes I just don't think I can stand it another second. What can I do to keep this jealousy from driving us apart?
EM
Dear EM,
It's not jealousy that will drive you apart. The problem is that you're a loser and Angela is a winner. Sooner or later she's bound to recognize that fact and start to drift away. Away from you and toward other winners. In the normal course of things, there's nothing you can do about that.
You can, however, change the course of things. You just have to be willing to commit. Which, given the fact that you're a loser, is unlikely. But still, I'll tell you how. Maybe you'll surprise me and actually do it.
It's very simple but not easy. You and Angela take a drive together, you in the drivers seat. Find a nice windy road and drive as fast as you can on it. Then drive faster than you can, until you swerve off the road and flip the vehicle a few times.
The possible outcomes include: both of you dead, which makes you equal; you dead, which brings her down for the rest of her life; her dead, which leaves you as number one; both of you severely injured, which just sucks; her severely injured, which makes you number one; you severely injured, which bonds her to you for life and gives you tremendous guilt powers over her; or both of you walk away fine, which makes you the crazier one, so at least you win at something.
Like I said, it's simple but not easy. You probably won't go through with it, but if you do, send me pictures.
Doctor BS
Ever since we were kids, I've been friends with a perfect person. My best friend, "Angela", is good at everything she does. Everything she touches turns to gold. She's prettier than me, got better grades than me, more athletic than me, and every talent I have she's twice as talented. I can draw a little, and she wins first prize at art shows. I like to write a little, and she's getting her first novel published by a major publisher. If I run a 5k, she'll win a 10k. She's invincible! We're best friends, but sometimes I just don't think I can stand it another second. What can I do to keep this jealousy from driving us apart?
EM
Dear EM,
It's not jealousy that will drive you apart. The problem is that you're a loser and Angela is a winner. Sooner or later she's bound to recognize that fact and start to drift away. Away from you and toward other winners. In the normal course of things, there's nothing you can do about that.
You can, however, change the course of things. You just have to be willing to commit. Which, given the fact that you're a loser, is unlikely. But still, I'll tell you how. Maybe you'll surprise me and actually do it.
It's very simple but not easy. You and Angela take a drive together, you in the drivers seat. Find a nice windy road and drive as fast as you can on it. Then drive faster than you can, until you swerve off the road and flip the vehicle a few times.
The possible outcomes include: both of you dead, which makes you equal; you dead, which brings her down for the rest of her life; her dead, which leaves you as number one; both of you severely injured, which just sucks; her severely injured, which makes you number one; you severely injured, which bonds her to you for life and gives you tremendous guilt powers over her; or both of you walk away fine, which makes you the crazier one, so at least you win at something.
Like I said, it's simple but not easy. You probably won't go through with it, but if you do, send me pictures.
Doctor BS
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
How do I tell my friends their screenplay sucked?
Dear Doctor BS,
I recently moved to LA, and it seems like it really is true what they say. Everyone out here is writing a screenplay. A couple of friends recently gave me their latest work and asked for feedback. I put it off for a while, but finally read it over the weekend. And it was bad. Not just a little bad, but really really bad. It sucked. The only parts that worked at all were obviously almost directly copied from their favorite movies. How do I tell them what I think, when I know they're not going to like it?
GL
Dear GL,
Tell them what you think? Wow, you are new to Hollywood. There is a reason that nobody ever says no in Hollywood. There is a reason everyone is so nice but shallow, so shallowly nice.
It's because everybody is totally naked all the time. Not physically, but emotionally. It's a bunch of sensitive creative types all gathered together trying their best to birth a work of great genius, and all of them have their babies up on the auction block all the time. LA is a town that understands the old saying about people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
So what do you do? You lie. You lie through your teeth. You lie like a rug. You tell them what you love about their script (I know you can find something, you're creative too, aren't you?) and gloss over any flaws. Mention a couple of the tiniest and most fixable flaws you can find (typos and the like can be good for this) and then go back to gushing about how much you loved it. Use words like characterization and theme and leitmotif. Talk about how much you appreciate the essense of the project. If the script is as bad as you say, it'll fail on its own without your help. Meanwhile, preserve your friendships and lie.
Doctor BS
I recently moved to LA, and it seems like it really is true what they say. Everyone out here is writing a screenplay. A couple of friends recently gave me their latest work and asked for feedback. I put it off for a while, but finally read it over the weekend. And it was bad. Not just a little bad, but really really bad. It sucked. The only parts that worked at all were obviously almost directly copied from their favorite movies. How do I tell them what I think, when I know they're not going to like it?
GL
Dear GL,
Tell them what you think? Wow, you are new to Hollywood. There is a reason that nobody ever says no in Hollywood. There is a reason everyone is so nice but shallow, so shallowly nice.
It's because everybody is totally naked all the time. Not physically, but emotionally. It's a bunch of sensitive creative types all gathered together trying their best to birth a work of great genius, and all of them have their babies up on the auction block all the time. LA is a town that understands the old saying about people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
So what do you do? You lie. You lie through your teeth. You lie like a rug. You tell them what you love about their script (I know you can find something, you're creative too, aren't you?) and gloss over any flaws. Mention a couple of the tiniest and most fixable flaws you can find (typos and the like can be good for this) and then go back to gushing about how much you loved it. Use words like characterization and theme and leitmotif. Talk about how much you appreciate the essense of the project. If the script is as bad as you say, it'll fail on its own without your help. Meanwhile, preserve your friendships and lie.
Doctor BS
Monday, November 19, 2007
I'm in for a Thanksgiving nightmare
Dear Doctor BS,
Let me start off by saying that I am not a heavy drinker. But on Halloween I was out with some friends, and the costumes were funny (I was a zombie clown - lots of makeup), the party was crowded, and the drinks were flowing. In short, I was soon a hammered zombie clown. So hammered that when my friend "Julia" (not her real name) asked me to come to Thanksgiving at her house, I said yes. What's the problem? Julia is the worst cook in the universe, and she's been taking cooking classes at the community college. Basically the problem is that I'm going to have to eat her food, and I'm scared.
PE
Dear PE,
Thanksgiving is a magical holiday of togetherness and gluttony. We gather with family and friends to give thanks and then eat a week's worth of calories in one sitting, often with an additional helping or two later, after watching some football and loosening the belt and sometimes unbuttoning the top button of the pants.
The simple solution to your problem is just to cancel. I have the feeling that you won't do so because despite her cooking you seem to want to keep Julia as a friend. There might be an excuse that she would accept. Food poisoning, for example, because no one wants the projectile vomiting guy at the table when they're using the good china. Of course, deliberately getting food poisoning to avoid bad food might not be what you're after either.
You could also take your chances and show up in hopes that she's gone with a potluck style dinner, making sure to eat the dishes brought by the more competent cooks.
But in the end, I think you need to get yourself out of this problem the same way you got in: alcohol. You said you're not a big drinker, but I'm sure you have an inappropriate uncle in your family who you can use as an example. Booze it up in the morning. Bring a few bottles of wine and/or liquor with you and insist on opening the first one the second you step in the door. Then commandeer the lazyboy and proceed to drink yourself into a stupor in front of the TV. By the time dinner is served they might not even want you at the table. If you're even still conscious.
Admit it, you dressed up as a zombie clown for a reason. Now let that inner zombie clown come out with your good friend alcohol.
Doctor BS
Let me start off by saying that I am not a heavy drinker. But on Halloween I was out with some friends, and the costumes were funny (I was a zombie clown - lots of makeup), the party was crowded, and the drinks were flowing. In short, I was soon a hammered zombie clown. So hammered that when my friend "Julia" (not her real name) asked me to come to Thanksgiving at her house, I said yes. What's the problem? Julia is the worst cook in the universe, and she's been taking cooking classes at the community college. Basically the problem is that I'm going to have to eat her food, and I'm scared.
PE
Dear PE,
Thanksgiving is a magical holiday of togetherness and gluttony. We gather with family and friends to give thanks and then eat a week's worth of calories in one sitting, often with an additional helping or two later, after watching some football and loosening the belt and sometimes unbuttoning the top button of the pants.
The simple solution to your problem is just to cancel. I have the feeling that you won't do so because despite her cooking you seem to want to keep Julia as a friend. There might be an excuse that she would accept. Food poisoning, for example, because no one wants the projectile vomiting guy at the table when they're using the good china. Of course, deliberately getting food poisoning to avoid bad food might not be what you're after either.
You could also take your chances and show up in hopes that she's gone with a potluck style dinner, making sure to eat the dishes brought by the more competent cooks.
But in the end, I think you need to get yourself out of this problem the same way you got in: alcohol. You said you're not a big drinker, but I'm sure you have an inappropriate uncle in your family who you can use as an example. Booze it up in the morning. Bring a few bottles of wine and/or liquor with you and insist on opening the first one the second you step in the door. Then commandeer the lazyboy and proceed to drink yourself into a stupor in front of the TV. By the time dinner is served they might not even want you at the table. If you're even still conscious.
Admit it, you dressed up as a zombie clown for a reason. Now let that inner zombie clown come out with your good friend alcohol.
Doctor BS
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