My apartment is a disaster

Dear Doctor BS,

The other day my friends ambushed me with what they called an intervention. They said that if I don't start cleaning my apartment, they'll have to do something drastic. They said it's unsanitary and gross. I admit, it is a little hard to find a clean space to sit down other than my recliner in front of the TV. And I have to eat on paper plates because every single dish is dirty. And there might be a little bit of a smell in certain rooms, or maybe in every room. But I just can't motivate myself to clean it. When I'm on my way home from class, I always think to myself, This is it, today I'll clean it all up. But when I get home, I just flop down in my chair and watch TV until bed. I don't even like all the shows, but they're just on. What can I do?

DP

Dear DP,

The one thing you should not do is attempt to clean this apartment yourself. A mess of this magnitude is beyond a slacker like you. Your friends are right, it's time for drastic measures.

You have to cancel the cable TV and spend that money on maid service. That is the only way you'll ever make something of your life. If you don't do this, you might as well drop out of school right now and go live in a trailer park. So do it. Right now. I mean it.

Doctor BS

I want my entire deposit back!

Dear Doctor BS,

I'm half way through my apartment lease, and I know I'm out of this place when the lease is up. Cockroaches, substandard plumbing, etc. The usual bad apartment stuff. I put down two months rent as a deposit, and I just know my cheap dirtbag landlord will try to stiff me on it when I leave. Up until recently he would have had a hard time, but the other night.... life happened. I had a lady friend over, and we were drinking wine and having a few laughs, one thing led to another, which led to an entire glass of wine spilled on the carpet. Red wine. White carpet. Big stain. I really need that deposit money back! What can I do?

CA

Dear CA,

When I first read your letter, I was concerned that you had accidentally sent me a question for Hints from Heloise. What do I know about getting stains out of white carpet? (On a related note, who puts white carpet in an apartment? Your landlord is either a sadist or a moron.) When I read your letter again, however, I realized that the true subtext was asking a much more suitable question: how do you avoid the natural consequences of your mistake?

Everyone makes little mistakes, and the universe generally punishes them. But in your case, there is an obvious solution: a collosal mistake.

I'm going to assume that you have renter's insurance. I'm also going to assume that you are a smoker. Rent a safety deposit box for all your important papers, then go ahead and be the careless idiot I know you can be, so careless that your smoldering ashtray just happens to be beneath your highly flammable drapes. Oops, accidents happen, and insurance makes it all better.

And next time consider scotchgarding your carpet. Or putting down a tarp when entertaining your lady friends.