My apartment is a disaster

Dear Doctor BS,

The other day my friends ambushed me with what they called an intervention. They said that if I don't start cleaning my apartment, they'll have to do something drastic. They said it's unsanitary and gross. I admit, it is a little hard to find a clean space to sit down other than my recliner in front of the TV. And I have to eat on paper plates because every single dish is dirty. And there might be a little bit of a smell in certain rooms, or maybe in every room. But I just can't motivate myself to clean it. When I'm on my way home from class, I always think to myself, This is it, today I'll clean it all up. But when I get home, I just flop down in my chair and watch TV until bed. I don't even like all the shows, but they're just on. What can I do?

DP

Dear DP,

The one thing you should not do is attempt to clean this apartment yourself. A mess of this magnitude is beyond a slacker like you. Your friends are right, it's time for drastic measures.

You have to cancel the cable TV and spend that money on maid service. That is the only way you'll ever make something of your life. If you don't do this, you might as well drop out of school right now and go live in a trailer park. So do it. Right now. I mean it.

Doctor BS

What's up with the writers strike?

Dear Doctor BS,

What's up with this writers strike? I watch TV all the time, and I don't want my favorite shows to go away. Like, what would I do then, watch reruns? And what do these writers want, anyway? I mean, they're all rich and famous and stuff already. I'd love to be a screenwriter, I'd be on Easy Street. But no, I have to go to my stupid boring job all day and only get to watch TV at night and on the weekends. Besides, how hard can it be to do their job? Spoiled bunch of babies.

BH

Dear BH,

It would seem that you suffer from a popular misconception, one that is common to people who have never had an original thought in their life. Namely, you think that it's easy to come up with original thoughts, despite the fact that you've never had one yourself.

You see, watching TV is not the same thing as creating TV. Just like watching the space shuttle launch isn't the same thing as being an astronaut. Or just like watching a bag of popcorn in the microwave is not the same thing as having all the moisture in your body superheated until your husk explodes into a delicious, crunchy, salty treat. Or just like watching child pornography doesn't make you a pedophile. Wait, that last one isn't right, it does make you a pedophile.

Think about this for a moment, if your livelihood depended on you coming up with original thougths, you would be dead. So give the writers a little credit and be patient while they do battle with the forces of corporate greed. Soon it will all be over and your viewing habits can go back to normal. Although it wouldn't hurt you to get off the couch once in a while. Fatty.

Doctor BS