My apartment is a disaster

Dear Doctor BS,

The other day my friends ambushed me with what they called an intervention. They said that if I don't start cleaning my apartment, they'll have to do something drastic. They said it's unsanitary and gross. I admit, it is a little hard to find a clean space to sit down other than my recliner in front of the TV. And I have to eat on paper plates because every single dish is dirty. And there might be a little bit of a smell in certain rooms, or maybe in every room. But I just can't motivate myself to clean it. When I'm on my way home from class, I always think to myself, This is it, today I'll clean it all up. But when I get home, I just flop down in my chair and watch TV until bed. I don't even like all the shows, but they're just on. What can I do?

DP

Dear DP,

The one thing you should not do is attempt to clean this apartment yourself. A mess of this magnitude is beyond a slacker like you. Your friends are right, it's time for drastic measures.

You have to cancel the cable TV and spend that money on maid service. That is the only way you'll ever make something of your life. If you don't do this, you might as well drop out of school right now and go live in a trailer park. So do it. Right now. I mean it.

Doctor BS