Dear Doctor BS,
My least favorite time of the year is coming up: Christmas shopping season. The crowds, the expense, the headache. Why can't everyone just believe their friends and family care about them without having to give them a bunch of useless crap? And do I really have to shop on the day after Thanksgiving?
PP
Dear PP,
One thing is clear from your letter, and that is that you are a racist. Not wanting to shop on "Black Friday"? Are you afraid you'll run into some actual black people and that will spoil your holiday merriment? You should be ashamed.
Your whole letter is unAmerican. Half the economy of this great nation is based on holiday shopping. Without Christmas this whole country would plunge into The Great Depression II: The Sequel. Useless crap? I think not. What you demean as useless crap is the profit generator that keeps the whole circus afloat. And the one thing we do not need is a non-floating circus.
So let go of your grinchy attitude and start shopping. Get there early for the doorbusters and keep spending until they start declining your card. Time to get started on peace on earth, good will to men, and a pile of presents under the tree.
Doctor BS
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