Help me be smooth with the ladies in the bar

Dear Doctor BS,

I have a well paid job, a fully funded 401(k), a high IQ and a full head of hair. As my mother likes to tell me, I'm a real catch. For some reason, when I go out I just can't seem to meet anyone. Heck, I don't even know what drink to order at the bar. I need some help with the ladies. Please advise.

NN

Dear NN,

Smart, hairy, and comfortable. Financially comfortable that is. It's clear that inside your heart of hearts, you're anything but comfortable. You want to be a man, but you know you're a weenie.

The drink says a lot about the man. A real man needs to know his drink.

Beer says you're not too bright, but you know what you like: sports and breasts.

A martini says you're still secretly wishing you'd turned out to be James Bond, and you're ready and willing to drink away that disappointment.

Wine says you're pretentious, feel sophisticated wearing a turtleneck, and might be gay.

Scotch says you like to enjoy the finer things in life... through a drunken haze if possible.

Tequila says you're not afraid to wake up in puddle of vomit.

But what is the drink for a weenie, wishing to be a man, and wishing to impress the ladies? Simple: order a Cuba libre NFL. When they ask what's NFL, tell them "No Fucking Lime." After uttering a cheesy line like that one, even a weenie will start to feel the inner glow of confidence that makes all the difference to the ladies. Next thing you know, you'll be sauntering up to some sweet thing and whispering in her ear, "My mother says I'm a real catch."

Keep on cheesing, drinking, and whispering. You'll get the hang of it.

Doctor BS