Help me get back at my brother

Dear Doctor BS,

In a few weeks it'll be Christmas, which means going home and all the weirdness that entails. I can mostly handle my family except for my older brother, "Biff". Biff is a practical joker. I grew up always on the butt end of the jokes, all the classics. Hand in warm water while sleeping, toothpaste in the shoe, super glue on the toilet seat. I have a lot of emotional scars and a few physical ones from his so-called jokes. The worst thing is, when we're all home for the holidays, suddenly Biff is 13 again and I'm 9. I don't want to kill my brother, but I want to get him back. Do you know any good practical jokes I can play to finally start getting even?

LS

Dear LS,

What you've never realized is that you already played the biggest joke of them all on Biff. Being born. You're four years apart? That means that he was used to having Mom and Dad's attention all to himself, and then one day it all goes to hell. Who's the new baby? Why does baby get so much love and attention? What about Biff? What if I don't want to be a good big brother?

I imagine that is not much consolation, however. Your birth may have shattered his emotional world as a child, but he's still on you now. That means it's time to pull out the big guns: identity theft.

Because really, what else is identity theft but a giant, hilarious, expensive, illegal practical joke? You know all the important identifying info he'd use to get credit, so use that knowledge against him. Have a ball! Fly home first class, courtesy of Biff. Stay at a 5 star hotel, courtesy of Biff. Enjoy the company of minor local celebrities in an alcohol-induced frenzy of partying and throwing money around at the local watering hole, courtesy of Biff. Hell, go for broke and try to buy a house in Biff's name.

The look on his face when he finds out may only last a moment, but bad credit lasts a lifetime. Go get em.

Doctor BS