My best friend is much more talented than me

Dear Doctor BS,

Ever since we were kids, I've been friends with a perfect person. My best friend, "Angela", is good at everything she does. Everything she touches turns to gold. She's prettier than me, got better grades than me, more athletic than me, and every talent I have she's twice as talented. I can draw a little, and she wins first prize at art shows. I like to write a little, and she's getting her first novel published by a major publisher. If I run a 5k, she'll win a 10k. She's invincible! We're best friends, but sometimes I just don't think I can stand it another second. What can I do to keep this jealousy from driving us apart?

EM

Dear EM,

It's not jealousy that will drive you apart. The problem is that you're a loser and Angela is a winner. Sooner or later she's bound to recognize that fact and start to drift away. Away from you and toward other winners. In the normal course of things, there's nothing you can do about that.

You can, however, change the course of things. You just have to be willing to commit. Which, given the fact that you're a loser, is unlikely. But still, I'll tell you how. Maybe you'll surprise me and actually do it.

It's very simple but not easy. You and Angela take a drive together, you in the drivers seat. Find a nice windy road and drive as fast as you can on it. Then drive faster than you can, until you swerve off the road and flip the vehicle a few times.

The possible outcomes include: both of you dead, which makes you equal; you dead, which brings her down for the rest of her life; her dead, which leaves you as number one; both of you severely injured, which just sucks; her severely injured, which makes you number one; you severely injured, which bonds her to you for life and gives you tremendous guilt powers over her; or both of you walk away fine, which makes you the crazier one, so at least you win at something.

Like I said, it's simple but not easy. You probably won't go through with it, but if you do, send me pictures.

Doctor BS

Help me get back at my brother

Dear Doctor BS,

In a few weeks it'll be Christmas, which means going home and all the weirdness that entails. I can mostly handle my family except for my older brother, "Biff". Biff is a practical joker. I grew up always on the butt end of the jokes, all the classics. Hand in warm water while sleeping, toothpaste in the shoe, super glue on the toilet seat. I have a lot of emotional scars and a few physical ones from his so-called jokes. The worst thing is, when we're all home for the holidays, suddenly Biff is 13 again and I'm 9. I don't want to kill my brother, but I want to get him back. Do you know any good practical jokes I can play to finally start getting even?

LS

Dear LS,

What you've never realized is that you already played the biggest joke of them all on Biff. Being born. You're four years apart? That means that he was used to having Mom and Dad's attention all to himself, and then one day it all goes to hell. Who's the new baby? Why does baby get so much love and attention? What about Biff? What if I don't want to be a good big brother?

I imagine that is not much consolation, however. Your birth may have shattered his emotional world as a child, but he's still on you now. That means it's time to pull out the big guns: identity theft.

Because really, what else is identity theft but a giant, hilarious, expensive, illegal practical joke? You know all the important identifying info he'd use to get credit, so use that knowledge against him. Have a ball! Fly home first class, courtesy of Biff. Stay at a 5 star hotel, courtesy of Biff. Enjoy the company of minor local celebrities in an alcohol-induced frenzy of partying and throwing money around at the local watering hole, courtesy of Biff. Hell, go for broke and try to buy a house in Biff's name.

The look on his face when he finds out may only last a moment, but bad credit lasts a lifetime. Go get em.

Doctor BS