Help me get back at my brother

Dear Doctor BS,

In a few weeks it'll be Christmas, which means going home and all the weirdness that entails. I can mostly handle my family except for my older brother, "Biff". Biff is a practical joker. I grew up always on the butt end of the jokes, all the classics. Hand in warm water while sleeping, toothpaste in the shoe, super glue on the toilet seat. I have a lot of emotional scars and a few physical ones from his so-called jokes. The worst thing is, when we're all home for the holidays, suddenly Biff is 13 again and I'm 9. I don't want to kill my brother, but I want to get him back. Do you know any good practical jokes I can play to finally start getting even?

LS

Dear LS,

What you've never realized is that you already played the biggest joke of them all on Biff. Being born. You're four years apart? That means that he was used to having Mom and Dad's attention all to himself, and then one day it all goes to hell. Who's the new baby? Why does baby get so much love and attention? What about Biff? What if I don't want to be a good big brother?

I imagine that is not much consolation, however. Your birth may have shattered his emotional world as a child, but he's still on you now. That means it's time to pull out the big guns: identity theft.

Because really, what else is identity theft but a giant, hilarious, expensive, illegal practical joke? You know all the important identifying info he'd use to get credit, so use that knowledge against him. Have a ball! Fly home first class, courtesy of Biff. Stay at a 5 star hotel, courtesy of Biff. Enjoy the company of minor local celebrities in an alcohol-induced frenzy of partying and throwing money around at the local watering hole, courtesy of Biff. Hell, go for broke and try to buy a house in Biff's name.

The look on his face when he finds out may only last a moment, but bad credit lasts a lifetime. Go get em.

Doctor BS

Descending into shopping hell

Dear Doctor BS,

My least favorite time of the year is coming up: Christmas shopping season. The crowds, the expense, the headache. Why can't everyone just believe their friends and family care about them without having to give them a bunch of useless crap? And do I really have to shop on the day after Thanksgiving?

PP

Dear PP,

One thing is clear from your letter, and that is that you are a racist. Not wanting to shop on "Black Friday"? Are you afraid you'll run into some actual black people and that will spoil your holiday merriment? You should be ashamed.

Your whole letter is unAmerican. Half the economy of this great nation is based on holiday shopping. Without Christmas this whole country would plunge into The Great Depression II: The Sequel. Useless crap? I think not. What you demean as useless crap is the profit generator that keeps the whole circus afloat. And the one thing we do not need is a non-floating circus.

So let go of your grinchy attitude and start shopping. Get there early for the doorbusters and keep spending until they start declining your card. Time to get started on peace on earth, good will to men, and a pile of presents under the tree.

Doctor BS