My best friend is much more talented than me

Dear Doctor BS,

Ever since we were kids, I've been friends with a perfect person. My best friend, "Angela", is good at everything she does. Everything she touches turns to gold. She's prettier than me, got better grades than me, more athletic than me, and every talent I have she's twice as talented. I can draw a little, and she wins first prize at art shows. I like to write a little, and she's getting her first novel published by a major publisher. If I run a 5k, she'll win a 10k. She's invincible! We're best friends, but sometimes I just don't think I can stand it another second. What can I do to keep this jealousy from driving us apart?

EM

Dear EM,

It's not jealousy that will drive you apart. The problem is that you're a loser and Angela is a winner. Sooner or later she's bound to recognize that fact and start to drift away. Away from you and toward other winners. In the normal course of things, there's nothing you can do about that.

You can, however, change the course of things. You just have to be willing to commit. Which, given the fact that you're a loser, is unlikely. But still, I'll tell you how. Maybe you'll surprise me and actually do it.

It's very simple but not easy. You and Angela take a drive together, you in the drivers seat. Find a nice windy road and drive as fast as you can on it. Then drive faster than you can, until you swerve off the road and flip the vehicle a few times.

The possible outcomes include: both of you dead, which makes you equal; you dead, which brings her down for the rest of her life; her dead, which leaves you as number one; both of you severely injured, which just sucks; her severely injured, which makes you number one; you severely injured, which bonds her to you for life and gives you tremendous guilt powers over her; or both of you walk away fine, which makes you the crazier one, so at least you win at something.

Like I said, it's simple but not easy. You probably won't go through with it, but if you do, send me pictures.

Doctor BS