I have terrible test phobia

Dear Doctor BS,

I'm not a stupid person. I read stuff, I understand it. But I have a terrible fear of tests. Just thinking about them makes me freeze up inside. But now I have to face the most important test of my life: The SAT. I want to go to a good college and have a decent life, but I just can't take this test! What can I do?

TC

Dear TC,

There are a couple of fairly obvious solutions to your problem, and it makes me wonder if you're really all that smart if you didn't think of them yourself. But even if you're not as smart as you think you are, I never said my mission was to refuse help to the less brainy among us.

First obvious solution, you pay someone else to impersonate you and take the test for you. Sure, they make you show ID, but it's not that hard to find someone who can pass for your drivers license photo. My drivers license photo looks almost nothing like me, and yet the cops never question whether or not it's really me.

Second obvious solution, you get a little drunk before taking the test. A drink or two to loosen up and you'll be fine. Keep the flask on you in case you start to sober up midway through. It has a nice backup plan in that if you are still freaking out, you just drink more and make yourself vomit. Instant excuse.

Some people might object to these excellent pieces of advice, tell you that you need to take this test seriously. These people should be ignored and possibly reviled. Standardized tests are a farce, and everyone over the age of 30 knows it, except the ones who work for the testing companies. And probably them too, in the dark recesses of their jaded little souls, if only they could admit it to themselves.

Doctor BS