Dear Doctor BS,
The other day my friends ambushed me with what they called an intervention. They said that if I don't start cleaning my apartment, they'll have to do something drastic. They said it's unsanitary and gross. I admit, it is a little hard to find a clean space to sit down other than my recliner in front of the TV. And I have to eat on paper plates because every single dish is dirty. And there might be a little bit of a smell in certain rooms, or maybe in every room. But I just can't motivate myself to clean it. When I'm on my way home from class, I always think to myself, This is it, today I'll clean it all up. But when I get home, I just flop down in my chair and watch TV until bed. I don't even like all the shows, but they're just on. What can I do?
DP
Dear DP,
The one thing you should not do is attempt to clean this apartment yourself. A mess of this magnitude is beyond a slacker like you. Your friends are right, it's time for drastic measures.
You have to cancel the cable TV and spend that money on maid service. That is the only way you'll ever make something of your life. If you don't do this, you might as well drop out of school right now and go live in a trailer park. So do it. Right now. I mean it.
Doctor BS
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I have terrible test phobia
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm not a stupid person. I read stuff, I understand it. But I have a terrible fear of tests. Just thinking about them makes me freeze up inside. But now I have to face the most important test of my life: The SAT. I want to go to a good college and have a decent life, but I just can't take this test! What can I do?
TC
Dear TC,
There are a couple of fairly obvious solutions to your problem, and it makes me wonder if you're really all that smart if you didn't think of them yourself. But even if you're not as smart as you think you are, I never said my mission was to refuse help to the less brainy among us.
First obvious solution, you pay someone else to impersonate you and take the test for you. Sure, they make you show ID, but it's not that hard to find someone who can pass for your drivers license photo. My drivers license photo looks almost nothing like me, and yet the cops never question whether or not it's really me.
Second obvious solution, you get a little drunk before taking the test. A drink or two to loosen up and you'll be fine. Keep the flask on you in case you start to sober up midway through. It has a nice backup plan in that if you are still freaking out, you just drink more and make yourself vomit. Instant excuse.
Some people might object to these excellent pieces of advice, tell you that you need to take this test seriously. These people should be ignored and possibly reviled. Standardized tests are a farce, and everyone over the age of 30 knows it, except the ones who work for the testing companies. And probably them too, in the dark recesses of their jaded little souls, if only they could admit it to themselves.
Doctor BS
I'm not a stupid person. I read stuff, I understand it. But I have a terrible fear of tests. Just thinking about them makes me freeze up inside. But now I have to face the most important test of my life: The SAT. I want to go to a good college and have a decent life, but I just can't take this test! What can I do?
TC
Dear TC,
There are a couple of fairly obvious solutions to your problem, and it makes me wonder if you're really all that smart if you didn't think of them yourself. But even if you're not as smart as you think you are, I never said my mission was to refuse help to the less brainy among us.
First obvious solution, you pay someone else to impersonate you and take the test for you. Sure, they make you show ID, but it's not that hard to find someone who can pass for your drivers license photo. My drivers license photo looks almost nothing like me, and yet the cops never question whether or not it's really me.
Second obvious solution, you get a little drunk before taking the test. A drink or two to loosen up and you'll be fine. Keep the flask on you in case you start to sober up midway through. It has a nice backup plan in that if you are still freaking out, you just drink more and make yourself vomit. Instant excuse.
Some people might object to these excellent pieces of advice, tell you that you need to take this test seriously. These people should be ignored and possibly reviled. Standardized tests are a farce, and everyone over the age of 30 knows it, except the ones who work for the testing companies. And probably them too, in the dark recesses of their jaded little souls, if only they could admit it to themselves.
Doctor BS
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Here come the sweater pants
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm a high school senior and my parents just don't understand me. They want me to go to college for medicine or law. I think medicine is yucky and law is boring. What I really want to do with my life is become a famous fashion designer. I already make my own clothes, and I made several of my friends' prom dresses too. I'm really good! How can I make my parents accept that I have a destiny, and it's not the one they have in mind for me?
SP
Dear SP,
First off, congratulations on knowing what you want at such a young age. Most people are still trying to figure it out on the fly as they get into their 30s. Your parents sound like the kind of people who are so set in their ways that only a dramatic demonstration will shock them into accepting the truth. Ever attempted suicide? That can be a good attention getter, at least the first time. Kind of loses its sting on subsequent (failed) attempts.
There are a few obvious things to do, like dramatically flunking your SATs, writing in your admissions essays that you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, starting a brawl during a campus tour. If nothing else, those should help you not to get into pre-med or pre-law, or really into almost any college at all.
You might not even want to finish high school. Just in case. Meanwhile, you should be working on your first collection, and hold a fashion show which you'll also post on YouTube and sell your clothes on your website. Go with something bold. Like sweater pants. I mean, why limit the cozy feel of a sweater just to your upper body? The lower half would like to be swaddled in comfy, fuzzy warmth too. Bring on the sweater pants!
Doctor BS
I'm a high school senior and my parents just don't understand me. They want me to go to college for medicine or law. I think medicine is yucky and law is boring. What I really want to do with my life is become a famous fashion designer. I already make my own clothes, and I made several of my friends' prom dresses too. I'm really good! How can I make my parents accept that I have a destiny, and it's not the one they have in mind for me?
SP
Dear SP,
First off, congratulations on knowing what you want at such a young age. Most people are still trying to figure it out on the fly as they get into their 30s. Your parents sound like the kind of people who are so set in their ways that only a dramatic demonstration will shock them into accepting the truth. Ever attempted suicide? That can be a good attention getter, at least the first time. Kind of loses its sting on subsequent (failed) attempts.
There are a few obvious things to do, like dramatically flunking your SATs, writing in your admissions essays that you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, starting a brawl during a campus tour. If nothing else, those should help you not to get into pre-med or pre-law, or really into almost any college at all.
You might not even want to finish high school. Just in case. Meanwhile, you should be working on your first collection, and hold a fashion show which you'll also post on YouTube and sell your clothes on your website. Go with something bold. Like sweater pants. I mean, why limit the cozy feel of a sweater just to your upper body? The lower half would like to be swaddled in comfy, fuzzy warmth too. Bring on the sweater pants!
Doctor BS
Sunday, November 11, 2007
My roommate has noisy sex every night, but I need my sleep!
Dear Doctor BS,
I'm a college student living in a house with another college student. She recently found a boyfriend that she has chemistry with, and I don't mean the class! They come over to our apartment every night and have loud sex. We have very thin walls, and I can hear Absolutely Everything. Every moan, every squeak of the bedsprings, every naughty whisper, everything! Other than that, she's a good roommate, and we have a great apartment and I don't want to have to try to move in the middle of the semester. I'm afraid if I say something to her, she'll take it the wrong way and our whole situation will go down the tubes. But this is driving me crazy! I have an early lab two mornings a week, and I don't want to fall asleep at the Bunsen burner. What can I do?
PA
Dear PA,
At least she doesn't leave dirty dishes in the sink, right? Cause if she does, just move out now. Seriously, that's just gross.
But if you want to stay in this apartment, you'll have to make a few changes. First, consider dropping your early lab. Your whole adult life you'll have to get to some office early in the morning, so you should take advantage of the ability to sleep late while you still can.
Second, don't look at this as a problem, look at it as an opportunity. You say they have loud sex every night, roughly at the same time, and for the same amount of time? Great! That sounds like a lucrative live podcast to me. Just get yourself some recording equipment and start broadcasting. Trust me, people will tune in.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And dirty podcasts.
Doctor BS
I'm a college student living in a house with another college student. She recently found a boyfriend that she has chemistry with, and I don't mean the class! They come over to our apartment every night and have loud sex. We have very thin walls, and I can hear Absolutely Everything. Every moan, every squeak of the bedsprings, every naughty whisper, everything! Other than that, she's a good roommate, and we have a great apartment and I don't want to have to try to move in the middle of the semester. I'm afraid if I say something to her, she'll take it the wrong way and our whole situation will go down the tubes. But this is driving me crazy! I have an early lab two mornings a week, and I don't want to fall asleep at the Bunsen burner. What can I do?
PA
Dear PA,
At least she doesn't leave dirty dishes in the sink, right? Cause if she does, just move out now. Seriously, that's just gross.
But if you want to stay in this apartment, you'll have to make a few changes. First, consider dropping your early lab. Your whole adult life you'll have to get to some office early in the morning, so you should take advantage of the ability to sleep late while you still can.
Second, don't look at this as a problem, look at it as an opportunity. You say they have loud sex every night, roughly at the same time, and for the same amount of time? Great! That sounds like a lucrative live podcast to me. Just get yourself some recording equipment and start broadcasting. Trust me, people will tune in.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And dirty podcasts.
Doctor BS
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