What kind of business should I start?

Dear Doctor BS,

I'm sick of working for The Man. I hate clocking in and clocking out on their schedule, never having any time for myself and my interests. I want to be in charge of myself for once, be my own boss. But I don't know what kind of business to start. Any ideas?

MK

Dear MK,

The fact that you don't know what kind of business to start highlights an important point: you have no skills. If you had any actual skills, you'd know what business to start, because you'd just start a business selling your skills to clients. Let me guess, you were a liberal arts major, maybe English, maybe history, maybe even philosophy. So you're full of esoteric knowledge and have an inflated opinion of yourself. Easy, you buy a coffee shop. Give it a clever, self conscious name that will attract other overeducated people just like you. Make sure there's comfortable seating and they'll gladly stay all day, especially if you offer refills. The great thing is that you'll stay all day too, because you'll have to since you won't be able to afford to hire help. After a couple years, you'll either get good at it or go broke. But don't worry, if you do go broke, there's always another sucker waiting to buy a cute little coffee shop. Good luck.

Doctor BS

Is punk rock dead?

Dear Doctor BS,

I want to be a punk rocker, but my mom says punk rock is dead. What can I do?

NV

Dear NV,

First off, if you're asking Mommy about punk then you are not punk. I don't care if Mommy is the original punk rock girl, she's your MOM!

Second, she has a point. The great American commercialization consumption machine swallowed the last dregs of punk a decade ago and has been shitting out corporate, sanitized pop punk bands ever since. (Sanitized shit? Now there's a metaphor.)

If all that doesn't matter to you, and you'd rather swim in the toilet of fake punk than grow up to be a good little cog and earn a real living, then who knows, you could be the next incarnation of real punk.

If so, here's what you do: 1. Eat only things that are not on the official food pyramid. 2. Decide whether you're SXE or drug-induced. If drug-induced, pick your drug now and devote yourself to it. 3. Find some like minded punks and go make some noise.

Otherwise in another year or two we're talking punk elevator muzak.

Doctor BS

Here come the sweater pants

Dear Doctor BS,

I'm a high school senior and my parents just don't understand me. They want me to go to college for medicine or law. I think medicine is yucky and law is boring. What I really want to do with my life is become a famous fashion designer. I already make my own clothes, and I made several of my friends' prom dresses too. I'm really good! How can I make my parents accept that I have a destiny, and it's not the one they have in mind for me?

SP

Dear SP,

First off, congratulations on knowing what you want at such a young age. Most people are still trying to figure it out on the fly as they get into their 30s. Your parents sound like the kind of people who are so set in their ways that only a dramatic demonstration will shock them into accepting the truth. Ever attempted suicide? That can be a good attention getter, at least the first time. Kind of loses its sting on subsequent (failed) attempts.

There are a few obvious things to do, like dramatically flunking your SATs, writing in your admissions essays that you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, starting a brawl during a campus tour. If nothing else, those should help you not to get into pre-med or pre-law, or really into almost any college at all.

You might not even want to finish high school. Just in case. Meanwhile, you should be working on your first collection, and hold a fashion show which you'll also post on YouTube and sell your clothes on your website. Go with something bold. Like sweater pants. I mean, why limit the cozy feel of a sweater just to your upper body? The lower half would like to be swaddled in comfy, fuzzy warmth too. Bring on the sweater pants!

Doctor BS

I want to be a vigilante

Dear Doctor BS,

There is too much crime out there. Every night on the news there's a new one. I don't understand why the cops can't take care of their shit, but it looks like they can't. Law abiding citizens are under attack, and I for one don't plan to take it any longer. I want to be a vigilante! Any words of advice before I begin my crusade?

CU

Dear CU,

Becoming a vigilante is a wonderful idea, and I'm sure you'll be quite successful at it. But before you hit the streets, make sure you have your bases covered.

First, you'll need a name. Not your real name, but your vigilante name. This can be tricky, as there have been some very clever people coming up with clever names for vigilante characters for many years. It's hard to find something that's not taken, and that doesn't sound totally stupid. But I'm sure you'll think of something.

Second, your look. Unless you plan to go out and fight crime in your street clothes, you'll need a costume. Body armor? Mask? Tights? And what's your color scheme? Perhaps something that ties in with the name.

Third, your alter ego. As I'm sure you know, vigilante justice doesn't pay very well, so your alter ego has to be the one that pays the bills (rather like most actors). So you need to think of something that is reasonably lucrative without being too demanding or time consuming, otherwise when will you find the time to fight crime? Obviously, the best possible job for an alter ego is rich playboy. Barring that, journalism has its share of adherants. Science seems to be another popular choice.

Next, you need a backstory. A mythology. It just won't do to go out all willy nilly trying to fight crime without a clever yet poignant backstory. So think hard about this one. Figuring out an arch-enemy can go a long way in creating a good backstory, so you'll need one of those too.

And finally, will you work solo or will you have a sidekick? I understand that vigilante work can get pretty lonely, so you might want to give the sidekick serious consideration.

So there you are. Figure out your shtick and then don those tights and get out there. Freak.

Doctor BS