Which is the best pet: a dog or a cat?

Dear Doctor BS,

It seems like most people are either dog people or cat people. I'm neither, I guess. I grew up in an apartment where no pets were allowed, and never had either one. I've never had a traumatic experience with either one, no scratches or bites, etc. Anyway, I'm moving into my first apartment and this building allows pets. But the big question is, which pet is best, a dog or a cat? I just can't make up my mind.

DH

Dear DH,

Your dilemma is rather unusual. As you say, most people are either dog people or cat people. Many times that comes from early experiences, whether positive or negative. Other times it comes from what sort of personality you have or want people to think you have. Are you cuddly yet aloof? Or are you friendly and energetic? Dirty or clean? Indoors or outdoors? Poop in a bag or poop in a box? Most people know which one they are just like they know if they're gay or straight.

You however are wishy-washy. This is a big problem, and sad to say, I think it means you should not get a pet at all. If you can't make up your mind about what kind of pet you like, maybe there are other things you can't make up your mind about, like what species of mate you're attracted to. And let's face it, both cats and dogs spend a lot of time licking their nether regions, which I fear could be just too much temptation for a wishy-washy pervert like yourself to handle in an intimate space like your own apartment.

So, no pets for you.

Well, maybe a pet rock. Or a chia pet. Ch-ch-ch-chia!

Doctor BS